


This is my story ǀ Osamu Miya

by Kuroi22



Series: This is my Story [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Dysfunctional Family, Family Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Polyamory, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sibling Incest, Suicidal Thoughts, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2020-05-14 10:13:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 44,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19271164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroi22/pseuds/Kuroi22
Summary: Opening deep wounds of the heart doesn't leave anyone stable. But it's me who writes and it's me who has decided to do it. I hope this leads to something useful, because I don't like to remember. My name is Osamu Miya and I will proceed to tell some things.





	1. who am I

**Author's Note:**

> They will suffer.

I don't pretend for anyone to read this, actually. It's more of a way of venting, a tip I'm following to see what's wrong with my life and how I'm supposed to fix it. Even though I know exactly what happened, I make the effort to remember everything. How it started, how it went on, how it ended ... I'm not sure if I can say that it ended in some way, because nothing was fixed. We just run away. It was necessary, yes, but we did. I don't regret it because we would surely have gone crazy staying there, and we longed for absolute freedom.

There are things that I don't remember because I was a baby, but I made the effort to retrieve testimonies or evidence that gave me all the details that were missing from my point of view. Please, if someone reads this, don't show it to my brother. He wouldn't understand it and, surely, would be very angry. And he wouldn't be wrong. Opening deep wounds of the heart doesn't leave anyone stable.

But it's me who writes and it's me who has decided to do it. I hope this leads to something useful, because I don't like to remember.

My name is Osamu Miya and I will proceed to tell some things.


	2. Golden child

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters will be quite short to keep suspense (i'll try)

As far as I know, my parents met very young, and I suppose that their story could be explained as a normal love one. Boy meets a girl, they fall in love, they decide to live together, they get married ... and then we came. Although in this story there is something important to emphasize and is that my mother had... a problem. And my father, as if he believed himself a character in a romantic story, sacrificed himself for her. I always thought that Juliet was stupid for killing herself for love, and I think that's what my father did. He thought he could take charge of her but everything went wrong.

I don't consider my mother to be bad, but her illness made her that way. And my father, refusing to treat it, left her like that. I remember him telling us that she had a problem. That she wasn't like other moms, but she loved us very much. That we, not only as her children but as people, had to accept her way of being. That if something isn't conventional, doesn't mean it’s bad...

But if you don't treat the problem, things happen.

I have video recordings of the first months of Atsumu's life and I, after that my father didn't record anything else. We were born on October 5th: two healthy children and she was in perfect condition after a multiple birth. But the problem came when my mother seemed to have the idea that she had only had one child. During her pregnancy, it happened the same. She only spoke to one baby, only addressed to one and she only named one of us even though she knew perfectly well that we were two. It was Atsumu who was fortunate to be recognized.

Oh, well, seeing what happened to him, saying that he was lucky may have been too cruel.

The recordings shows how she was delighted with her son, and at no time wanted to carry me or meet me. I was with my father all the time, he was the only one who did know that I existed. My mother had thousands beautiful words to say to Atsumu, but she didn't speak to me. She sang to him all the lullabies she knew, but she didn't hug me. She looked after Atsumu as if he were made of gold, but she didn't even look at me. For her, I didn't exist. My father convinced her with lies to keep breast milk to give it to me as he had read that the best option to feed a baby. It seemed as if the two of them had had different children: she had Atsumu, and he had me. I hate my father, but if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have survived even the first week of life.

I talked to my father and made him reluctantly confess that his wife became very jealous of Atsumu, that she almost didn't let him get close and that he believes my mother turned to be the opposite with my brother because, of course, the boy grew up and stopped being dependent on her.

Anyway, the day came when Tsumu had to start to stop being breastfeed, and that made everything complicated. She entered in a kind of depression, acted as if Atsumu had betrayed her or something like that and started calling him "demon child". But she didn't act like with me, she didn't ignore him. Sometimes, mom would approached Atsumu and give indications of wanting to take care of him, but at the second she changed her mind and let out some insult. Sometimes she would push him and Tsumu would cry, which made her even more stressed and starting screaming.

In my opinion, that's where my father should have put an end to this. I'm not talking about leaving her or divorcing her, but trying to find some method to stop her to scream at Atsumu and make her finally recognize her second child. But no, he did nothing.


	3. The beginning of lies

The first memory I have, although it is somewhat blurred by the age I was, is when we were about three years old. I just remember that my mother pulled Atsumu so hard that it hurt him. Even now I don't understand what she was screaming at or why she was so angry to shake him like that, but I have the image of Atsumu crying beside me waiting for dad to get home from work and heal him. And it marked me so much that one of the things that repeat over and over in my head is my brother's cry.

Our father worked a lot, or so I believed then. Every time we saw him less and left us alone with that woman. He only showed when we had to eat, because I knew that mom wouldn't give me anything and now that dad had also decided to leave Atsumu to his fate, it was better to come.

As soon as we heard him enter the house, Tsumu ran to him and held onto his clothes, scared. It was hard to calm him down.

"Why is he crying so much? “I asked something like that. I didn't understand why after my mother touched him, Atsumu started crying saying that it hurt.

"Don't worry" I heard him say. "Atsumu and I will go somewhere, we'll came back soon. Stay here and be a good kid."

Be good. Sure, be good when you are leaving me with a monster. I got scared when they left, I felt lonely and unprotected. What if my mother came and did the same to me as Tsumu? Would she make me cry? If I was good, she wouldn't hurt me? I was three years old and I didn’t understand that no, she wouldn't hurt me. How am I so sure? Well because for her, I didn't exist. For her, at that time there was no one at home.

Out of fear, I hid under the table. A great hiding place, I know, but what could I do? Just wait my mother to not do anything to me and for my brother to come back. Because, to be honest, even at that early age, the only one I cared about was Atsumu.

When they returned home, Tsumu had a bandage on his shoulder and my father didn't give me explanations. He only gave me two ham and cheese sandwiches for me and for Atsumu, and he sent us to our bedroom to sleep.

"What happened to your arm?" We sat on the bottom bunk, and we began to eat our beautiful, sad dinner.

"Don't know, it's broken or something" is the only thing that Atsumu understood.

"It hurts?"

"No longer." I remember patting his head, as if doing something in his favour. But Tsumu stayed calm and I guess that was enough.

"Now sleep" I indicated, removing the paper wrapped around the sandwich and placing it on the table.

Atsumu looked at me without blinking, as if it was difficult for him to react to my simple comment. But neither he nor I understood that he was scared. What three-year-old child understands what fear is? The nights were the worst, she would scream things until she fell asleep and, of course, my father came and went without staying more than two hours at home. Mom fell asleep at two o'clock, Dad went out and came back at breakfast time. What could happened between that hours, didn't matter at all.

Tsumu didn't say anything but in the end he reacted and went to my bed, the bottom bunk, probably with the excuse of not being able to climb up for his aching shoulder. I didn't check if he fell asleep at once or not, because I left the room. From the hallway, I could hear my mother's loud voice, already beginning to get nervous, and my father trying to ask her for explanations. In vain, of course. She would just came, do something bad and ignored everything. If my father already knew who had dislocated Tsumu's shoulder, why didn't he do something more than ask her a simple "why have you done it"? Again, he stayed without doing anything.

My father saw me in the hallway and hurried to close the door. He carried me in his arms and took me away, I only managed to hear her rambling.

"Hey..." he told me. “She ... Mom loves you two, okay?"

How many times we heard that phrase and how many times we didn't believe a single word. I didn't understand it then, nor do I understand it now. It's assumed that someone who loves you doesn't hurt you or ignore you, and that is precisely what she did. That's why I didn't answer. He left me on the top bunk and looked for my stuffed fox to give it to me, but Atsumu had it.

"He says he doesn't want stuffed animals, but he always takes mine." I told him.

"I'll go find another one. Lie down, now I come back."

He left the room and I obeyed. I kept looking at the door, waiting for him, and saw my mother's shadow outlined by the light of the corridor. That terrible feeling of danger came back to me, like the one I had felt a little while ago when I was alone at home. I knew she wouldn't come after me because she didn't even see me, but I was just as scared. In the end, I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get out of bed and close the door as fast as I could, so I wouldn't see her anymore. I went back to my bed just as quickly and covered myself with the blanket.

My father didn't come back to bring me the stuffed animal he had promised me.

 

I vaguely remember that my father told Atsumu that, if someone asked him of the shoulder, he had to say that he had fallen off a slide in the park. He didn't even nod, I think he also wondered why he had to lie, but that already became customary. Overall, anyone could say that it's normal for a child to have scratches and bruises, because a child runs, plays and jumps... It didn't take long for my mother to increase the screaming and throwing things at him; the butter pot for breakfast, the remote control, some decorative candle ... And my father spent less and less time at home.

"Why does mom talk to the walls?" I had to ask him once.

"I know that you think is weird, but it's not a bad thing. She has her own way of living and we have to respect it, as we do with you, with me, with Atsumu..."

To sum up, he couldn't care less or something like that. He was missing so much at home that he left me errands to do. I had to make breakfast because he was not at home on that time. I had to learn the way to our school because many times he didn't take us. I had to learn to dress earlier and faster because I could help Atsumu when something hurts him. He had left the responsibility to someone who was only five years old. And, who knows, maybe there would be a day when he would never come home again and I wouldn't be surprised at all. I had already given up, Dad was not at home and I was afraid that my mother would do something serious and nobody could help. Any neighbour? No, we lived on the outskirts, in a rural environment, and the houses were somewhat isolated from one another.

We were all alone.


	4. Water

There's an event in our lives that I could never forget even if I want to, even though someone hypnotize me, even though I sleep deeply from now until I die, and that is when what I feared most happened: the first time that Mother tried to kill him. We would be six years old, and the morning started like any other: I woke up, then woke up Atsumu twice and put the bowls filled with milk on the table. I didn't spill a drop, and I was proud of that. Atsumu was responsible for carrying the cocoa powder, he would put tons to leave the milk brown as in the ad. Mom woke up and came to the table with us, I noticed how Tsumu stayed still and attentive to her movements.

"I'll make you breakfast" my mother got up and stroked Atsumu's hair. Sometimes it would all start like this, she pampered him and then bang! The hit. Atsumu didn't answer and she just went into the kitchen.

I sat with my brother. But my mother didn't take into account that I had already put the bread in the toaster. For her, no one else was making breakfast. She spent a lot of time in the kitchen, couldn’t concentrate on anything she was doing and didn't finish preparing anything. In the end, my toasts burned for not watching them and she, nervous, brought them to the table.

"I won't eat that," Atsumu said. I agreed with him, but that was tempting his luck. My mother became more nervous, trembled, and in seconds her face contracted with anger.

"What ... I'm such a bad mother, aren't I? What have I done to make you so ungrateful?!" She picked up the jam jar and smashed it against the wall. She then pulled Tsumu off the clothes and shook him. "It's a fucking toast and you're going to eat it, you shitty kid! Or I'll send you back to the Hell you belong to!"

"Stop, you're gonna hurt him" I tried to intervene and stop her shaking him, but it was impossible to reason with her. It was impossible to listen to someone who doesn't exist.

"Let go!" Atsumu shouted, louder than her, and Mom released him. She let out a cry of rage and punched the table, just on the plate that broke into pieces.

Her hand started to bleed. I didn't know how to heal back then, but I had seen my father do it with Atsumu and I knew I needed a Band-Aid. I don't know why I acceded to cure her, I guess I was scared to see the blood.

"Mom, you have to cure that. In the bathroom..." I tried to get up, but she didn't move. She wasn't listening to me. "Atsu ..."

But I kept quiet, because my brother was looking at me so angry. It was the first time I saw him like that, containing his anger. He got up and locked himself in our room. Now I see why he got so angry, I shouldn’t have asked him to heal the woman who had just shaken, shouted, insulted and threatened him.

I stood there, standing, not knowing what to do. My mind was going too fast and I blocked. My mother got up and went to the door of our room.

"Yes, you little fool, hide yourself. When I catch you, you won't treat me like that again..." and went to her room. I could react and went with Atsumu. He refused to leave the room, so I had to drag him out of the house. We couldn't miss school, or they would start asking.

Besides, we were safe there.

When we came back, Dad was already home and you don't know how happy I was for that. Not that he did much there, but I was little and I still loved him. After all, he was the only adult in that house who at least spoke to me. Of course, Dad kept my mother away for the rest of the afternoon and we were able to play in the lounge without her throwing things at Tsumu. After that, it was bath time and there our play time continued. Dad was with us, so we felt safe. For that moment.

I was the first to leave the bathtub and my father dried me and put on my pyjamas. Today I didn't have to do it, so I ignored everything. Dad was happy that day, so he was playing with me for a while. He saw her enter perfectly. Tsumu too and looked at Dad very tense, waiting for him to get Atsumu out of there. But he didn't, he stayed there with me. Maybe Dad hoped that, for a moment, she wanted to play healthy with Atsumu, but neither my brother nor I stayed calm. While my father was drying my hair, my mother was soaping Atsumu's and singing something, very happy. Tsumu and I looked at each other, I sensed his growing fear and his incomprehension at the suddenly affectionate gestures of our mother. We knew that she would do something but we didn't know what or when. And the answers came when, suddenly, she grabbed the same hair she was washing and sank his head into the water.

For a moment, I went blank, paralyzed by fear. I trembled and pulled on my father's arm.

"Dad!" I shouted, pointing at them.

And he reacted. He went running, pushed her and pulled Atsumu out of the water. He started coughing loudly and crying hysterically. My father wrapped him in a towel and hugged him tightly, Tsumu clung to his clothes scared. Dad looked very upset, but I didn't pay attention to him. I hugged my brother crying, because I felt his fear perfectly and I lacked the same air as him.

And she, she just stayed away resting on the bathtub as if nothing had happened.

Tsumu and I stayed embraced, still crying, still scared. I don't remember exactly what but my father told me something about to take him to our room, but I just looked at him crying. Why should I be the one to take care of him? Wasn't he, who's supposed to protect us? He just took us out of the bathroom and took Mom to his room, we stayed in the hallway.

Abandoned.

My father came to see us at dawn, we were still awake and we were holding each other, in the same bed. Neither Atsumu wanted to separate from me, nor I didn't want to stop being with him. We were still scared and Tsumu was still sobbing from time to time, to which I added seconds later.

He caressed us a little and we both looked at him, waiting for him to do something. To embrace us, to protect us, to help us. But he only said one thing:

"Mom loves you..."

And I can swear that we both felt the same, we started doing it at the same moment. That's when we started hating our father.


	5. I'm not scared of the monster under the bed

It was hard for me to wake up if I had fallen asleep the night before at 3 am. If he was home, my father used to woke us up gently, with a strange delicacy, as if he didn't want to hurt us. I hope it's due to guilt. He should feel it, at least. He woke me up first, with a caress and a kiss that I used to reciprocate before but stopped doing it now. Tsumu slept more than me, it was difficult to wake him up and more if it was our father who did it. He just complained and huddled against the pillow. Some nights, Atsumu came to my bed and covered himself with the blanket until mom had stopped screaming things. And many times he would fall asleep with me.

"Have a good breakfast and go to school," he said. "I will come for dinner."

"Dad ... Why don't you leave her tied every day?” Atsumu suggested. Ever since that incident in the bathroom, Dad had locked Mom in his room. He just kept her there when he was at home.

"She's not an animal, we can't leave her tied all day." But he only tied her when he was here...

He left as soon as we got out of bed. At the moment, my mother was still asleep so we hurried to leave the house before she woke up.

"You haven't bring a scarf and you're going to catch a cold," I warned him, but neither of us had any intention of going back home for getting one. Atsumu pulled mine and kept it. "Hey, don't steal it!"

"I'm not stealing it, I'm only borrowing it~"

"I'm not going to catch a cold because of you." I chased him all the way down to take my scarf, but he got to the bus and I had to take the ticket out. Tsumu could escape.

"Having good vibes at early morning?" The driver told me, smiling. "That shows that you are feeling fine. Did you two catch a cold, yesterday?  
I just nodded vaguely. Neither of us was sick, but Tsumu didn't want to go outside with a bruise on his cheek and I stayed with him. Leaving him alone with her was too risky.

I joined Atsumu in the back seats, the driver keep on watching us whenever he could, because it wasn't very normal for two children of eight years old to be alone in such a long journey. He felt responsible.

The excuse of being both sick at the same time was valid for the time being. People used to smile and found funny that, being twins, we could feel the same. Sure.

Tsumu and I were going to separate classes, but their teachers talked to me if they wanted something. They didn't know what was happening at home, they only understood that our father worked hard and they gave me messages to tell him. They talked to me about grades, about excursions... Although I didn't say a word to my father afterwards. If we had a trip, he found out the same day since it was me who prepared everything. Let's say that they all saw me as Atsumu's father and not as his brother. At first, I wanted to do things well and be responsible, but little by little it became very hard, annoying. It was too much for me.

"Dad, where do you go at night?" Atsumu asked him, at dinner. He stayed quiet for a bit trying to make up a credible excuse.

"I've told you, I work."

It was a lie. I knew his work schedules and he didn't have to go at night, but this time we just believed it.

It was our turn to go to sleep, Tsumu was already in the top bunk. He had practically taken over my bed but I was determined to keep my possession, so I went   
with him.

"Dad is staying for a while, you don't need to hide today."

I don't know how I could say that, but I believed it. Tsumu looked at me badly, turned his back on me and covered himself with the blanket

I lay down next to him, I didn't need to cover myself like that. Neither of us fell asleep at once, first we heard our mother shouting things but since she was tied, we knew she wouldn't come. Tsumu trembled whenever he hid, because she shouted things to him. It may seem silly to hide under a blanket, but it worked. She didn't see him while he was in my bed. I heard the front door closing, Dad had left again.

"Tsumu, I think she has already fallen asleep. She's not coming." I said to my brother, but he hugged me tightly. "Go to your bed."

Nothing worked, Atsumu had already decided to stay. I gave him a push and he laughed. He stretched out his arms and took up all the space. On top of that he was throwing me away.

"Dumbass," I said, and went to the bottom bunk.

"You are the dumbass" he answered me.

"Surely you will still go to sleep with me, and I won't let you. You are heavy and you move a lot.

"I won't go with you this time," he lied.

"You will keep coming when you are 30 years old."

"No, because I won't be in this house anymore. I'll sleep where I want."

"If you say so..."

We went silent, and since we didn't hear anything coming from my mother's room, we fell asleep without further worries. But after a while, I found that it had been a mistake to change beds.

I heard a crack and I woke up right away since I had pretty light dreams. I saw a silhouette in the darkness, and immediately know it wasn't Tsumu. I knew how he moved in the gloom, I knew how his silhouette was, I could recognize him perfectly... So, seconds later I knew who was there, looking at me.

Actually, I doubt she knew that I was the one there, she only came because Atsumu used to sleep there. She never confused us because there was only one for her and this time wasn't the exception, but she was mistaken for the lack of light. I started to tremble, I couldn't move from the fear. I couldn't see her face and that made me more nervous.

"G-go away..." I managed to say. I saw her swinging.

"Are you afraid of me, you ungrateful child? Me, who loved you so much.

Everything that happened next is a blur in my memory, I guess my mind decided not to show me those details. I just noticed how Mom put something on top of me and I heard Tsumu scream. I may have fainted, then I remember seeing Atsumu in front of me crying. I always hear another cry, almost screaming, which was probably my own.

I didn't want to get out of bed, I was so afraid. That's why Tsumu always refused to go to school after these things happened. I used to comprehend him, I also felt his fear because I lived it as if it were my own, but that night I understood it completely. That night I didn't feel just fear, I feel it so much that I haven't been able to sleep as before.

The next day, it was Atsumu who told what happened to our father because I refused to do it. He was really surprised, maybe he thought that she would never hurt me. But did he do anything else? He didn't. Mom didn't come near me again, but I didn't sleep more in the bottom bunk bed. Tsumu didn't either, he knew that Mom went after was him and he was also afraid.

What else had to happen for my father to react? That she would definitely kill Tsumu? Or would he do nothing if that happened? I don't have children, but I can perfectly believe that I wouldn't let a child live something like that. Every bit of hope I had put in my father was demolished. I no longer felt safe with him, I wanted to leave that house. 

We were eight years old and we already had enough.


	6. Not a Happy Birthday

Something happened that, at last, made things change. Late, very late to me. Everything could have been avoided if my father had been with us from the beginning, everything would have been fixed if someone had treated her before... But no. Something had to open my father's eyes and it wasn't because of the constant blows to Atsumu nor because of my insistence. None of that really worked.

When is a child's birthday, a great party is done and he is so, so happy. Except us. At least, not at home. Our birthday was celebrated at school, with friends, not at home. But our tenth birthday fell on a Saturday and there were no classes. Of course, my father was not at home so the only ones who were happy about their own birthday were ourselves. I made Tsumu exit the bedroom, because I wanted to prepare him some crafts I had done in class as a birthday gift. Later, I discovered that this was precisely his gift to me, a gift that he couldn't give me at the time.

I heard a lot of bustling in the kitchen, I thought it was Atsumu. I was the one who used to prepare things, he was a mess in general. I stayed in the room, finishing the gift. I was very excited to do it, that a sad Saturday at home would become something cheerful.

I should have go with him then.

I heard mom's screams, she said something like; "You deserve it!” Then, I went there. I didn't hear Atsumu, nor reply nor shout something back. I only heard punches. They weren't in the living room. I heard my mother laugh in the kitchen and I went there. The kitchen was too dangerous...

I found Atsumu on the floor, full of blood. Again, I stood transfixed looking at my brother, who didn't move a single millimetre. Mom had hit him with a rolling pin, and I was slow to react. I fell to his side, and I shook him.

"Tsumu... Tsumu wake up..." there was no response, he was more dead than alive. "What have you done!?"

She just laughed and repeated again and again: 'you deserve it'

I hugged my brother, crying. I didn't know what to do, just scream at him to wake up. But he didn't do it and it made me more desperate. Drowning in tears, I started looking for something that would help. There was too much blood, I didn't know how to heal it and it only scared me more. I searched for the phone list my father had left me. He wasn't at home that often, but he had written the emergency number for me. Come on! He feared the same as me but it was me who had to deal with all the mess.

I don't know what I told them exactly, because my crying obstructed all the words, but an ambulance came and took Tsumu away. Not having him or seeing him, I ended up panicking more. Was Tsumu dead? No one answered me the questions, nobody told me where they were taking him. I was alone at home, lost and crying for my brother. My father took a long time to arrive, and I was so exhausted that I couldn't even move.

I didn't like the hospital, knowing that they had my brother there and they didn't let me enter the room. I managed to hear that he was very bad, and that they did everything they could so that he could wake up. I always stayed outside, sitting down. I didn't feel at all well, it was as if my body weighed a lot, like when I had a hard time getting out of bed after a deep sleep. As if my soul had gone. I can describe that now, but then everything was very confusing.

One day, while waiting in the corridor, two doctors who were in charge of Atsumu, approached. I saw them arrive, they came for me and not for my father, and I distrust them. They sat next to me and I waited for them to speak.

"You called the ambulance, didn't you?" I nodded. "You did very well, your little brother is safe thanks to you."

"Were you there when it happened? We want to know what happened to him, in order to help him."

They suspected it. Of course they suspected it, they had seen clearly how Atsumu arrived at the hospital. They knew perfectly the kind of blows he had. They knew what had happened.

And I told them. I distrusted them, yes, but they said that they wanted to help Tsumu and it was also time for someone to do something. I told them about Mom, I told them how she insulted and beat Tsumu, and I told them how she laughed with the rolling pin. They left me alone again.

In that centre I totally lost track of time, so I don't know how long I stayed like that until my father came. He sat down, I didn't look at him.

"What have you done, Osamu?"

Was it my fault? Was it me who had almost killed Atsumu? He blamed me for telling the doctors everything, now he was in a serious bind. I didn't care, I just wanted Tsumu to wake up.

"They can take you from home, they can... They can take away the custody, or they can send you to a centre in search of a new family. Do you want that?"

"Yes."


	7. Like dust

After a while, they let me into the room. Atsumu was still comatose but he was getting better, so I could be by his side, in bed, if I promised to sit still and not move him. I had gotten used to sleeping with him, so I obeyed.

"You sleep too much, Tsumu. You lazy ass..."

My father came in and I shut up. I was angry with him, and only talked to Atsumu. He sat on the chair beside the bed, and ran a hand through his hair. He was tired and overwhelmed, and I didn't even look at him.

"Mom will come home," he said.

They had interned her. They forced my father to give her medication, so we would be safe and we could stay with her. Finally, they were treating her. But which was the price?

"She'll need some pills that will make her sleepy and weak. She will need help."

Like I cared.

"You'll see... We've been talking about it, and we think it's better for Atsumu to stay with your uncle."

"We won't have to go back?" I felt too much desire.

"He won't have to come back," he remarked.

"Mmm...?" I didn't like where the conversation was going.

"Mom will need a lot of help. I need you at home.2

"No."

"I can't do it alone."

"It's easy, just stay at home"

"Osamu..."

"I don't want to get back." But my father insisted. "I don't want to! I want to go with Tsumu!

"We can't give Uncle two children to care for, and making Tsumu stay at home would be cruel."

Oh sure, it would be cruel. And with me it wasn't?

"I don't want! No, no, no!"

I noticed Tsumu moving, maybe he woke up because of my screams. I stayed next to the door, trying to digest the news of going to that damn house again, while my father focused on Atsumu. Atsumu didn't want to talk to any adult, just me. I was an intermediary, but I only told doctors. Nothing to my father, not even good morning.

Tsumu told me what had happened in the kitchen. That mom had prepared him a birthday cake and that he had refused to eat it. She got angry, offended, and hit him with the roller pin. I then gave him my birthday present, and there he told me that he had made an equal one, stored in his drawer.  
When he was discharged, our uncle came to pick him up. I stayed with them until my father came.

"Samu, don't let her hurt you, okay?"

"Nothing at all. And you try to sleep without me."

"Of course, I would!" I hoped it too, now that no one would scream at night or try to kill him, Tsumu was safe. And as for me, uncertainty was getting bigger and bigger. How accurate were those pills? Would she keep ignoring me? If she could see me now, what would happen?

Tsumu and I hugged each other tightly. We didn't want to separate, we had shared too many things to leave me alone in that house. But there was no going back, Dad didn't listen to us. Tsumu left with our uncle, and I was alone again. My father came minutes later and we went to the car. There, I saw my mother sitting in the passenger seat and I turned around, but Dad prevented me from leaving.

"She have already taken the pill, now she's not violent."

She wasn't violent with me, what happened was that she didn't see me. How am I supposed to react to years of total ignorance?

"Sachiko, are we going home?" My father told him. She looked at him, with tired eyes, but smiled and nodded. Then she looked at me.

It was the first time she looked at me, and I'm not exaggerating. I stood still, afraid to take a false step that would put me in danger.

"Atsumu..." she muttered, smiling. Mom reached out a hand and stroked me. "My pretty boy..."

"He's not Atsumu," my father explained, with strange patience.

"He isn't?" She asked, confused.

"He's not. It's Osamu"

She frowned, more confused. She wouldn't know the name, probably. Mom still didn't remember my existence.

"Where's Atsumu?"

"He won't come with us."

"Oh..." She sighed, disappointed.

She looked different, more calm and asleep. She even seemed innocent, and the way she called Atsumu made it seem as if she really love him. My father took her to their room, she could hardly walk. I got into mine quickly, wanting to be as alien from them as possible. I couldn't believe I was still there after finding my brother bleeding. That they weren't being compassionate to me. That I had to do it all over again.

When my father came in, I seriously considered to lock out the door.

"Don't be mad at me, I need your help. And she's your mother."

"She almost killed Tsumu, and she almost killed me, remember?"

"Mom's not bad, she loves you very much. Now..., now everything will be better" he didn't seem convinced, because he was against medication.

"She still doesn't know that I exist..."

"She will, you'll see. Give her time, she has a different way of living, and some things might be harder to her than to other people."

I remained silent, without looking at him, and my father became nervous. He didn't know how to talk to me, so he changed the conversation.

"You won't need the bunk bed, you can have a normal bed now."

It was worse

"I want to sleep on the top..."

"You won't notice the difference. And you can decorate the room to your liking, it will be bigger."

I turned him my back. Removing the bunk would be like removing Atsumu from his room. Surely he would have his own at our Uncle's house, but it felt as if he had been banished. As if he had only been a bad episode in our lives and we had already turned the page on. As if they swept the dust and put it under a carpet. As if nothing has occurred here.


	8. are we just friends now?

We saw each other in classes. We kept going to the same school and when we had to separate to go different ways it was painful, as if we were only friends who say goodbye at the end of classes. Tsumu was missing classes a lot, although now there was nothing that scared him. The teachers, already aware of the situation, were forgiving a little but not always, and even threatened his course. He wasn't fulfilling the compulsory hours despite getting good grades, and they were considering him repeating the last elementary course. I didn't want that, if Atsumu stayed behind he wouldn't go to middle school with me. And it would be too sad. My uncle was not very willing to help him, he just whispered how lazy he was. I had to insist, tell them to make him a complete exam and let him pass primary school. That if he went to middle school with me, I would go get him in the morning and come with me. Finally, they agreed. Tsumu is smart, so he passed the exam without problems and was able to graduate with me.

So, I would go to Uncle's house every morning to walk with him to school after giving my mother the pill. I had to check that she took them. One, at eight in the morning, another at 6pm, and another at 2 am. Those, plus secondary pills. My schedule became somewhat busy, I had to go home at the right time because if not, mom could get worse. A few months earlier, in summer, Dad taught me how to cook. That way he wouldn't have to come home to feed me, I already could do it by myself.

My mother was still bedridden, absent but quiet. She still didn't realize who I was, even though I took care of her day and day too. She showed no signs of violence nor insulted Atsumu. Mom called him and wanted to see him but that would be impossible. If I was scared of her even now, I can't imagine him.  
My father had all the excuses for missing home, but I hadn’t. Not only did I have to take care of the pills, but of everything else and I couldn't spend so many hours at school without going and checking her condition. Therefore, I had permission to go out at recess and go home, check her out and come back. I could also leave classes if there was an emergency, the teachers knew it and forgave me, although some of them were bothered about me interrupting the class to leave. Surely they were eager to fail me their subject, but I had impeccable grades.

Others, on the other hand, were sympathetic and helped me in whatever they could. Many times they left me more time to finish the longest projects without the other students knowing. The literature teacher forgave me the books in exchange for reading them in summer. The other parents looked at me with pity when I showed up at the course meetings. I was the only young one there, who had to find out everything about him and his brother school year.

Once they called me from the teacher's room and I had to go after returning from home at recess. The literature teacher, was there. He was the tutor of Atsumu's class, so I guessed what the matter was about. There was also the headmistress.

"We are worried about your brother, he often comes to school too tired or sick. And we want to believe that it is true, and he isn't lying to go home."

"It's true that something has been wrong lately with him, but he hasn't told me anything. Maybe you can call my uncle, he might know something."

"We will, but we also want to know your opinion," said the literature teacher, Mr Abe, in a very friendly voice. "If something happens to him, you would be the first to know."

"I'll try to find out, but I promise nothing. Atsumu is something elusive, and more since I don't see him so much now."

"It's just a warning, we don't want to overwhelm you," he said, touching my shoulder. "And don't focus only on that, we'll take care of it. It's not good for you, remember your well-being comes first."

Ah, that was new. No one had told me to think about me probably because if I had done so, I would have left home years ago. The teacher was friendly, that was also new. He didn't leave me with all the weight because he understood me.

"And whatever you need, my office is free for you."

I still didn't speak to my father. During dinners in which he was present, the silence was uncomfortable but I did so intentionally. I wanted him to feel uncomfortable with me. But this time I spoke to him, and he was surprised to see that I was looking at him.

"You'll know that Atsumu has been feeling bad, right?"

"Yes, your uncle told me something about that..."

"Something? For you, you don't have children any more, right?" I noticed his frustration. "Where do you go every night?"

"I work, you know that."

"No, I don't. Did you think I wouldn't know if you left me in charge of the bills? You go to hotels to sleep peacefully."

"You don't understand, I do many things and..."

"Many things? Your job is from nine to six, you have the same time as me and I have never seen you stay at home for a single day."

"We've already talked about that."

"We haven't. If you want someone to take care of her, hire someone. You leave me alone."

"You will do what you are asked, do something for once!"

There I got angry again and decided there was nothing to do. I couldn't put myself first if I didn't have the option.

The next morning, I left very early before my father left and I left him a note telling him that at eight o'clock he had to medicate mom. At that time there was no one in school, only teachers and cleaning staff. As I had special schedules, they let me in and I was wandering around.

"You're coming early today," Mr Abe said, leaving his office. "Everything is good at home?

"Well, the usual," I shrugged. I didn't feel like talking much now, but the teacher approached.

"Look, I take this opportunity to congratulate you. You have obtained a very good grade in your exam, you have done very well. And that shows many things about you, you are hardworking."

I leaned against the wall, I was quite sleepy because yesterday I didn't sleep at all because of inexplicable nerves.

"You are a man of words, aren't you? Yesterday he said I had to think about myself but what if I can't?"

"Water's sweet, but blood is thicker. We all have one family or another, and it has been complicated for you. Come to my office for a while, I'll bring you a hot drink from the teacher's room." I agreed.

It became a habit to speak with him. He always invited me to his office, we talked for a while, I could vent a little, and he listened to me attentively. He knew what to say at all times and all conversations with him turned out to be enjoyable, and they helped my mood a lot during the day.

Normally, the school takes into account the family. Brothers don't go together in class, and teachers with children don't teach them their subjects. But at the second course of high school, they made an exception with Atsumu and me. Atsumu was going off the rails, and they decided to stay with me and be able to keep an eye on him.

"If I'm not going after you, you don't come to class," I said once. He got mad.

"I'll go when I want."

"It will happen the same as in elementary school, and maybe this time they won't let you go to high school.

"There are two years left for that, I'll see. You are not my babysitter."

"Certainly, it's what I look like."

"Well, why are you going to school so early?" He reproached me. When he had no arguments left, he invented something to attack. "No one goes before 8am."

"My business, I will go to school whenever I want."

Atsumu got a little upset and lay on his desk. He was lucky that Professor Abe said nothing to him, he was too good. I pulled him from his shirt and forced him to sit well, he had to start learning to behave in public.

The teacher looked at me and smiled fondly.


	9. Hide and kiss

As promised, I read the compulsory readings in summer and gave a review of them at the beginning of the second course. Mr Abe was super grateful and congratulated me. Sometimes I thought it was too effusive, but it didn't bother me at all. I was grateful that somebody to congratulate me, even for a good grade.

"You have done a good job, Osamu" I wasn't Miya, that was my brother. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me smiling. "I'm proud of you."

Ah, how good that sounded back then...

I feel ashamed to remember it, but it's what happened. I fell like a fool, I appreciated his gestures and affectionate words too much. I needed that warmth in my life, that someone cared for me, asked me how I was and was happy for me. I needed it so much that, when I realized it, I was already in his arms. And I wanted to stay when one day he called me to his office and we started talking as usual. Each time we sat closer, we were no longer separated by his table, and he approached me. I'd had a horrible week because of my mother and her needs, so he put an arm around my shoulders to calm me down. At first, I rejected the contact and hugs but in the end I accepted them. Suddenly, he began to stroke my cheek and say that I was cute, and luckily I was growing because I would be even more. I was surprised, so much that I reacted very slowly when he kissed me.

It was short-lived, he separated quickly. He turned his back on me and told me to leave. I obeyed, still disoriented. I left the office and started crossing the hall. Slowly, I came back to reality and I found myself smiling like an idiot.

 

The days after that, he avoided me. He didn't invite me to the office, he didn't talk to me. He hardly looked at me. And I say hardly, because many times I found him looking at me sideways and looked away as soon as he was discovered. I didn't understand what was wrong with the kiss, I liked it. I didn't see age as an impediment, nor he being my teacher. They could well put him in jail, but I didn't consider that. I was 14, how could I think about that? So, one day very early I was waiting at the door of his office. When he saw me, he stood still. He had to enter whatever he like it or not, that's why I had put myself there.

"Professor..."

"Let me in, Osamu..."

"Are we not going to talk anymore?"

"It's the best."

"I don't mind at all, you know?"

The teacher sighed and looked in all directions, there was no one around. He came over and kissed me. I closed my eyes, I didn't care about anything more than that. It was my first kiss, (or, well, the second one) so everything else was left behind.

He opened the office door, and closed it as soon as we were inside. He kissed me again and I stayed in cloud nine again. He hugged me, I stayed between him and the table and got a little uncomfortable. I had no idea how these things worked, nobody was with me to teach me or give me advice so I separated him a little.

"Don't worry, I know what I do," he said near my ear. I never thought I'd like a whisper so much.

He came back to kiss me again, but the bell rang warning about the start of classes.

Our meetings were held in the office, always away from others. I couldn't stay long after school so we only exchanged a couple of kisses by now. I had enough with that, but I noticed him getting a little bit impatient. He didn't tell me anything about it, I guess for once he thought I was too young. Although that didn't stop him, of course. I think I was the only student who wanted to be at 6.30am at school, although for reasons beyond the academic field. I could go straight into the office, he had given me a copy of the key and I could wait for him there. When he saw me, he always hugged and kissed me, sometimes too rough, sometimes he was more patient. I was just learning to kiss.

He sat me on his legs and touched me more than he'd already done. I got nervous, I felt anxious. I didn't know what to do next and thought I was annoying him, but no. He licked his lips. He loved having someone virgin with him...

"We will go step by step, and in the end you will do it alone. I'll show you what it takes, I'm still your teacher."

The comment was funny to me, so I laugh. He stroked me and brought a hand to my pants. I leaned on his shoulder and he started to touch and touch me and I felt so good...

 

"Disgusting," Atsumu said suddenly.

"What bugs you now, Tsumu?" I said, tired. You never knew what this guy was going to do next.

"The teacher looks at you too much."

"No way..."

I had to go more carefully, now that my brother was attentive to the teacher's eyes.

"Tsumu, have you slept today? I see you pallid."

"I slept like crap, certainly."

"At what time did you go to sleep?"

"Nm ... Better, what time didn't I wake up?" 

"Tsumu, idiot. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn’t take care of yourself."

"I'll see."

The "I'll see" had become a habit. I wasn't a fortune teller, I couldn't know what was happening to Atsumu. He seemed sick, or very tired, and I worried about his lack of sleep.

"Hey, are you alright at Uncle's house?"

"Yeah, he leave me alone. It's what matters."

I didn't like the answer. What exactly meant leaving him alone? He might gave him space or ignore him completely. And that seemed like a very bad idea, considering what he was looking like.


	10. what's going on?

At home, the situation remained the same. My mother let me carry her, but she didn't talk to me or look at me. Sometimes, she confused me and was happy to see "Atsumu", but it quickly passed when she understood that I wasn't him. When Mom took the pill she fell fast asleep, so I could rest. I went to sleep early because at 2am I had to wake up again. When I returned to my bed, I kept thinking of a single person. In him, and in his way of telling he was proud of me, and later he would kiss me and caress me. And I dreamed that in that world I knew how to do things, and he was glad to tell me that he was a good student...

He was waiting for the moment when I'd fully agree, when I knew what he wants and how he wants it. When he could touch me without so much patience. And I had just decided that I would. I would let him do what he wanted, because that way I could return to his arms once more. Where I felt safe and nothing worried me.

The next morning, the first thing I did when I saw him was kiss him. I hardly ever started them, so it took him by surprise. I sat on him and hugged him, he corresponded to me. He held me to prevent me falling and left me on the table. He kept kissing me and I gasped. It felt like the other time he touched me, I was anxious. But I didn't worry, I decided that he would know what was being done and that he would never hurt me.

"I've been waiting for this," he said, in a low voice. "You will stop being a child with me."

I nodded although I didn't understand much what he meant by that. I would still be 14 years old. He got excited with his own phrase and pulled some things out of the drawer. He had everything ready for when I volunteered. He suggested that I bite his shoulder or arm because no one could hear us.

And there, in a sad high school office, a teacher fucked his student.

"Can I ever go to your house?" I suggested, in his arms. I didn't have something like a home, so staying where he lived seemed like a great idea.

"It's not a good idea, the house's a mess," he lied.

"I don't mind the mess."

"And I live in an apartment, I have neighbours. If they see you, it would be... weird." He lied again.

I knew how to detect lies now that Atsumu lied more than he spoke. But I nodded, I forgave him and I forgot about that. I would give him space, he was older than me and had other things to do different from mine.

"Go to class," he said, patting me gently on the leg. I complained when we separated and he laughed. "You sound like a kid."

I was a kid.

He hugged me tightly and left me a hickey on my abdomen, where I could cover with my shirt. He was a pervert, but not an exhibitionist. I left the office first and he left later.

 

Usually, when we finished classes early, I left with Tsumu. Our uncle had a bar under his house, so we went there for a snack and then I would left. Today was one of those days, we sat at the bar and our uncle made some snacks and something to drink.

"Help a little and go clean the outside tables," said Uncle to my brother.

"Giving work to a minor is illegal in this country," Atsumu defended.

"It's called helping the family business, and laws don't fit you. Go out."

Tsumu growled and left the bar. My uncle winked at me, accomplice, and went his way. I finished the pineapple juice.

"Hey," I called him. He didn't turn, kept cleaning a glass, but he was listening to me. "Haven't you noticed that Tsumu is acting weird?"

"He's always been weird, it's a lost case."

"I mean he's like... sick?"

"Bah, it will be things of his age."

"I don't think so." We were the same age and I didn't look like dead every morning.

"I don't know, he always goes his way. I don't know anything, he doesn't talk to me much either. Don't get overwhelmed, and focus on your things."

_In my things_

My uncle went to the kitchen, carefree. He had downplayed the matter, nor realized that Atsumu looked bad. Maybe it was just my paranoia, after all, but I had a bad feeling.

At that moment, I heard Atsumu outside the place shouting something angry. I went out to see what he had got into now, and I saw him next to a car.

"You're not going to get anything, asshole!" He yelled to the driver.

"Tsumu, what are you doing?" I approached. And there, on the steering wheel of the car, was the embarrassed professor. I immediately knew that he had  
confused me as my brother, and Atsumu didn't forgive him. "Tsumu, shut up."

"What are you saying?"

"Don't shout, and come with me" I pulled him by the arm.

"No. Where?" He always denied and then asked. I kept pulling him until we turned the corner of the bar, so they wouldn't see us.

"He and I... we have something." His face was worth seeing.

"Ewww, he is an old man!"

"He's not that old, he's 35."

"And you 14! What's wrong with you?"

"Stop screaming. No one can know this, do you understand? He treats me well, he's not a pervert and will not hurt me. I'm fine, so not a word of this."

Tsumu left with the gesture of disgust on his face. He entered the bar, but not before making a grotesque gesture to the car. I sighed and got in the vehicle, the teacher was still confused.

"Your brother has a bad temper..." he commented.

"I'm sorry, he always overreacts. What are you doing here?"

"I came to pick you up, you told me you'd be here by message. I'll take you home, you still have a long trip."

I settled in the seat and nodded. He started the car and we went to the suburbs. He parked near my house, not many people passed by so, we were practically alone. He knew it perfectly. I guess that maybe that's why he had picked me up, when he started to caress me. I kissed him and climbed on top, ready for everything again. I thought that my romantic-sexual history with him was ideal, and not how pitiful it was.

I entered quickly at home. Living on the outskirts didn't mean that I could walk without care. There I found my father in front of my mother's room, and I was surprised.

"You're late, you know that?" He reproached me. It was true, I arrived half an hour after my usual schedule for entertaining myself with the teacher. "Osamu, you know you must be punctual..."

"But you're here, so..." He looked at me badly, but I didn't care.

"You can't miss the medication hour, it's very important. If something fails, everything goes to bust."

"Leave me alone..."

"Don't talk to me like that."

"Honey..." I heard Mom muttering. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," he replied. "Only that medicine time is almost over and you know it's important."

"Don't scold the nurse, he takes good care of me..."

"Nurse?"

"Yes, the boy..."

"He's your son."

"Huh? Has Atsumu returned home?" She was happy.

"No, it's Osamu." and she shut up. I left angry, but my father followed me."Don't keep that in mind."

"She's supposed to be fine with medication, why don't she still recognize me?"

"I don't know."

"You never know anything."

"No, I know nothing! Be the same as you" he raised his voice. "I only know that she thinks she had only one child, and she has never understood that you were two."

"I can't take it anymore!"

"Don't say that."

"You say you need me here ... The day I leave, we'll see how long you miss me."

And I locked myself in my room.


	11. sometimes you just scream back

I thought Tsumu would mock me the next morning, but I found him pale and haggard. It wasn't the first time he looked like this on mornings and our uncle didn't even notice it! That day, especially, he seemed worse. The teachers said nothing to him as he was lying on the desk.

"Tsumu, are you feeling sick?" He didn't answer, he just shrugged. "Go home and rest."

Atsumu didn't answer me. He got up immediately and ran away. I followed him and saw him enter the bathrooms.

"Hey..." I said, staying at the door. "You've been like that for a long time, have you been to the doctor?"

I heard him gasp.

"I haven't"

"What's wrong?" He didn't answer me. 

He flushed the toilet and left the cubicle. Then, he leaned against the sink.

"Nothing serious."

"And because you say it, it isn't?

"You wouldn't understand."

"Prove me."

He took his time. He rinsed his face and turned around, but didn't look at me.

"It's just a hangover."

"Hangover...?"

"Yes, I won't have to tell you what it is, right?"

"Who gives you alcohol? You are a minor."

"No one."

"Tsumu, talk."

"No one, I take it from the bar..."

"Why...?"

"You wouldn't understand ..." He sighed and left.

So, Tsumu drank. And a lot, judging by his hangovers. He was still too young... Maybe he tried it and went on, and nobody was there to stop him. If that is the case, Tsumu could be worse than I imagined.

I locked myself in one of the cubicles and called my uncle. He would be working but he replied shortly.

"Osamu, is something wrong?"

"Yes. Uncle, please, watch Tsumu. He has been drinking a lot for a while, lock your bar well..."

"Has he done what? Who does he think he is?! Those dammed teenagers...

"Try not to have any alcohol at home, not even a can of beer. I'm afraid this is serious..."

"Look, Osamu, you may not see it because you aren't like the other boys but alcohol at his age it's tempting. I can't do anything, he will get it from someone older he knows. That's what the boys of your age do. I don't like it, but it's not like I can do anything."

"This has nothing to do with partying and getting drunk!"

"Believe me, a good punch in the face would bring him back to reality. It's what boys like him need. Now, I have to work and you to go back to class." And he hung up.

I slept nothing that night. I sent a couple of messages to Atsumu, but he didn't answer them. I preferred to think that he was asleep and not doing other things. I was so nervous, and at times my heart was beating so hard that I had almost no air. I roll over the bed a thousand times, thinking that maybe it wasn't that serious. That maybe Tsumu didn't have a problem or was developing one. I wasn't his babysitter, I didn't have to after him all the time but it was impossible for me not to worry. When I left him alone, something always went wrong. I left him alone when Mom drowned him in the bathtub, I left him alone when she hit him wildly. If I left him now, who knows what could happen to him.

In the morning, I didn't go to see the teacher. I waited for him. I saw him arrive, just as pale as before. And besides, he was very angry. He faced me.

"Why did you tell him!?" he screamed. No need to ask him, he was referring to our uncle. "Couldn't you shut up?! He hates me, you just gave him one more reason to criticize me."

"He doesn't hate you, he just worried."

"Of course not! He just threw in my face how useless and ungrateful I am" I noticed him too nervous. He was drunk. "Why do I trust you!?"

"I don't want you to drink, you're going to get in trouble."

"It will be my problem then! Stop getting into my life."

"Oh, now worrying about you is getting into your life? I wouldn't do it if you took care of yourself! But you don't know how, I always have to tell you. I'm getting tired of going after you too!"

"It was a fucking secret! And I trust you... But no. You had to tell him. You have betrayed me, even when I didn't say to anybody that you are fucking with a teacher.

"This has nothing to do with it."

"Of course it has. What happens is that you don't understand anything..."

"Mind your business!

"You're the one to talk!

"What's happening?" Professor's voice made us jump suddenly. Atsumu stared at me, I saw in his gaze that he threatened to tell everything. He said nothing and entered the school. Professor approached me. "You're ok?"

"No" I replied almost with a growl, and I didn't let him touch me. I wasn't in the mood for that, so I entered the school.


	12. tear it apart

From that moment on, Atsumu avoided me and I did nothing to fix it. I was also angry with him. I was being the only one who cared about him and he reproached it to me. Now the bad guy was me for having to look after him like a kid. Come on!

Eventually, we talked again but it wasn't the same. It was only in class, never on mobile. Neither asked him about the other's life, although it was clear from me that Atsumu looked worse.

But I had other problems to take care of, for example what would happen to me and Professor when I graduated from middle school. I was already in the last year and would go to another high school. It would be hard to see each other and whenever I asked him about it, he just changed the subject or fucked me a little longer to shut me up.

Neither our father nor our uncle came to our graduation. Not that we expected them, either, so we decided to hang out together and forget about them. For today, we had resolved differences and we got along as before even though we didn't ask anything for the other.  
In addition, there was food and that distracted us greatly.

Later, when there weren't so many things left on the table, Tsumu took the opportunity to take everything he could. I noticed that the teacher was leaving and I followed him. We had to talk about what we would do now. He saw me and got into the car, and I followed him. He drove away two streets or so from the school so that nobody could see us.

"Congratulations on your graduation," he said and I started the kiss. He grabbed my hair and led me to his lap. I did the job, then he was happy and I could talk to him without interruptions.

"Hey," I started talking and he hugged me. He was ready to shut me up if necessary, but I was determined. "What will happen now?

"Do you want a quick round?" He said, trying to seduce me but this time he didn't succeed.

"I can't show up in your office anymore, I'm not going to that high school. It would be weird." he didn't answer. "Will you come with the car?"

He continued without speaking, but began to caress me. I realized what he was proposing and took his hand to stop it.

"Do you have any idea?" He still didn't answer. I loved the meetings in the car or in the office, but I was ready for new scenarios. "Why are you so quiet?"

"It's hard," he replied.

"It doesn't matter if we can't see each other that often, it's better if you come to get me by car. I can wait that way."

"Wait?"

"Yes. High school is just three years, I can wait for that time. And then it will be different."

"What?" He seemed nervous, but I couldn't see it.

"I'll be 18, I'll be legal. We can be together without anyone saying anything, and ... And I could go to your house."

It was obvious that I had made a life plan too rushed. I was so anxious to leave home that when I contemplated the idea of leaving with him, it was enough to throw myself. And I found an empty pool.

"You're not going to live with me," he said, almost laughing nervously. I looked at him, confused. Ok, it was rushed but we could talk, right? "This isn't the case..."

"Why not? They can say what they want, I don't care about age"

"I think it's time to say it," he said seriously. “Did you fall for me?"

That was too much to ask. I hadn't considered it until now, the situation was very rare to do so. But wanting to live with him, feeling so good with him... I guess you could say yes, I felt for him.

"This... It wasn't what I planned."

"What were you planning...?"

"This was just... Well, you allowed this and I ..."

"Don't you love me?" I don't recognize my own voice in saying that.

"You're cute... Just that."

"Only that!?"

"I never told you that I loved you."

"Me neither, I thought ... it was obvious, we had something."

"It isn't the case. Just... Look, I like you but it's just that. I ... Osamu, I couldn't be with you that way. I already have someone" I think I stopped breathing at that moment. "I am engaged. This has only been... Well, you were so young that I thought it would be nice to take a little risk with you, but I love her. It isn't my fault that you have fallen in love with me."

It wasn't mine either, but I didn't say anything. Everything that man represented had broken right in front of me. All the security he gave me, all the understanding I gained with him, the warmth of a place to return and calm me down... All was vanished as if it had never existed. I felt trapped there. Thrown in whichever way, abandoned, humiliated. I trembled and got out of the car, I slammed the door and left.

Maybe yes, it was my fault. He had given no sign of loving me beyond the simple laid in his office, it was me who clung to him because I idealized him. Because I was so alone that I fell, and I didn't realize that he had used me and now he left me. I was disoriented. My heart ached as if it was squeezed strongly and my vision clouded. I was crying and I didn't realized. I also didn't realize that I went back to school. I couldn't go home, it wasn't a safe haven. I didn't have a place to go, not anymore. I had nothing, now.

I sat on the main staircase, the party was in the courtyard so nobody came by. Except someone, who might be guided by intuition and found me there. Tsumu   
sat next to me. He said nothing to me, he waited for me to say it. I wiped my face and sobbed before speaking.

"He doesn't love me. He's engaged"

"It was predictable."

"How was it predictable...?"

"That he just wanted to mess with you. I knew it when he confused me with you, it was... I don't know, he was a pervert."

"I did love him, Tsumu ... I felt so good with him and... I needed him." So much. I need him..."

"No, you don't need him."

I looked at him.

At that moment I was broken and he had left me in my body a feeling of cold, of abandonment. It wasn't the first time I felt this way and I was afraid. Afraid that nobody loved me, that nobody ever looked at me... That they wouldn't see me.

Tsumu hugged me, somewhat abrupt but it served a lot. I felt better and I could stop crying, although I was exhausted.

"And now we're going to make that bastard pay"

Tsumu took my hand and we went up to the teachers’ room, which was empty. Atsumu started looking for files and folders, until he pulled out a couple of sheets

"Greaaat ~ here is his contract sheet, with his personal data.

"What are you going to do with that?"

He smiled at me and put the sheet away. Afterwards, we left the room and went to the material store. I don't know how Tsumu could open all the doors, but there are things that are better not to ask. Tsumu took out two baseball bats.

"Tsumu...?"

"Don't be dramatic, we're just going to tear his precious car apart."

He also caught a paint bucket and a brush, and we left the school. Tsumu took out the contract sheet, there appeared the address of his house and we followed it.

"Is that his car?" Tsumu asked, I nodded. I recognized it very well.

Tsumu opened the paint bucket and spilled it on the brush. He got on top of the car and painted on the bonnet "Cougar". He laughed and get down the car.

"From the second floor, the blows will be heard and he will look out the balcony. He will watch painting perfectly. If it is his fiancé, the better."

He pointed to the car, leaving me the first blow. I wasn't quite sure about that, but I held the bat well. All the sadness and previous abandonment became rage. In anger for having been used that way, angry for having been a just a pass-time lover. I broke a mirror, and I felt very good. Tsumu laughed again and joined me. We break the headlights and windows, tear off the antenna, and leave a large gap in the windshield. We heard the voices of the neighbours who were gossiping and we ran down the street laughing.

I had never felt so good.


	13. can't breath

"You know what, Samu?" He told me some time later. "We should do something for holidays. Its summer, time for festivals. We should go out there some night, don't you think?"

I would have said yes immediately if it weren't for the problem at home. I couldn't leave whenever I felt like it and I supposed my father would refuse.

"Forget dad and have fun."

Hopefully.

I told him. I knew he would refuse, but I wanted to go. To go out like a normal boy. Besides, it was good for me to be with my brother and see him beyond classes.

"You can't go out, you should stay and watch your mother."

"She has the pill at 2am, we won't be that long."

"You're not just here to give her the medication."

"Let me go, I have never left or even just stayed after school. And I want to spend time with Tsumu. Can't you let me go for once?"

"Too risky."

"I want to be a normal boy"

"You can't be, you must help her."

"It's only once, what does it cost you?"

It cost a lot. I don't even know how I could convince him, but he let me go with the condition of getting home early. So, on a Friday night, Tsumu and I approached the city festival. There was atmosphere, and some boys our age. It was a perfect night to have a good time for once.

I felt that tonight I could forget about problems. About my mother, about my father, about the teacher who still hurt me for the short period of time that had passed since then. I came here just to have fun.

Tsumu appeared with two glasses of Coca-Cola. From his smile, I guessed there was something else.

"How did you get it? They can't sell you alcohol."

"Older boys have asked it for me."

"Just like this?"

"Sometimes, you meet extraordinary party people, but then you don't see them again in your life. Go, drink a little."

I wasn't sure, after all it was the first time I would be drinking, but I agreed.

After a while, we were fooling around. Tsumu got more drink wherever he went, and drank more than me but it had hit me enough to add myself to his stupidities. Tsumu was quite annoying when he was sober, drunk was even worse. He was all the time jumping or shouting into my ear. I gave him some odd pushed and he always ended up on the floor. Sometimes I crawled with him. One of those times, Tsumu stayed on top so he wouldn't let me to get up. I resigned myself and lay down with him.

"You know Samu... You were right, I can't sleep without you."

"Wow, drunk you is everything honest than you aren't on reality."

"We're going home. I want to sleep" he said, sitting up. I nodded. I had to go back to my house, but I went with him.

We enter our uncle's house with easy laughter and shutting each other up. We went into Atsumu's room and he collapsed in bed. I threw myself to his side. We hadn't slept together for a while.

"You take the whole bed..."

"And what do I do? We are not five years old" Tsumu curled up. "Samu, Samu, I want to confess something."

"What...?"

"I drink to sleep... I have nightmares." I looked at him. "But if you stay today, I'll be fine."

"I'll scare the nightmares away..."

"With your face, that's clear..."

"You are saying ugly to yourself..."

I hugged my brother, his eyes closed from fatigue. He was right, we hardly fit in the bed but it didn't matter. Feeling his warmth was more than welcome

What a horrible awakening. My head hurt tremendously and I got dizzy trying to get up. How the fuck did Tsumu endure that every time?

"Dumbass..." I said, he just complained still asleep.

I could get up and wash my face a little. Somewhat more awake, I went to the dining room.

"Oh, Osamu, I didn't know you were staying," my uncle greeted me. "Do you stay for breakfast?"

I agreed immediately. The idea of eating without having to prepare it was tempting. Tsumu came after a while, crawling, he dropped into the chair and lay on the table.

"And you wake up like that every morning? Pathetic."

"Shut up..." he muttered.

I had a quiet breakfast, it was summer and we didn't have classes. I could stay until I wanted to, or so my uncle told me. But, I knew that I forget something ...  
And that something became a mobile call. It was my father. He never called me. And I landed to reality in seconds. I didn't answer him, I just said goodbye quickly to those at home and left. I got home dizzy, I still hadn't fully recovered from the previous night. There was no one at home, not even my mother.

In the end, I answered the call.

"You didn't come home," my father scolded me, loudly. He had never raised his voice to me as before. "I told you very clearly."

"I... I stayed with Tsumu, I was at Uncle's house..."

"I don't care about that, we had an agreement."

"I didn't notice."

"It was your responsibility!" I shut up. He'd just yelled at me, when he had never done that. He was really angry. "Your mother was alone, and she got scared. She was hurt, I had to take her to the hospital. Do you think it's nice?"

"I don't" It was the truth.

"They will have to start the treatment again, I told you to be careful with that."

"And why weren't you here, dad?"

"Stop making excuses! I trusted you, I thought you were responsible. But I was wrong."

It will sound cruel, but at that moment I wished he wouldn't force me to take care of her anymore. That I could go with Tsumu or I could do my life normally.

“Let’s see if you learn at once what responsibility is."

It seemed amazing to me that my father reproach me for all of that when he did nothing.

"I'm 15 years old" I muttered, hoping he understood that it wasn't the responsibility that someone my age should have.

"Well, let's see if you realize that you don't have someone else's life, this is yours and you have to assimilate it."

I cut the call. I had had enough anger. Yesterday I had a good time, as anyone would. Any normal, of course. I sat on the couch and stayed away, looking at the house. The one that felt like a real prison.

.


	14. bleed to breath

Now my mother didn't speak or look at us. She seemed depressed because the medication was stronger, but there were times when she started to shake and her hand moved a little. Sometimes she looked at me, and I... even if she didn't do anything to me, I was afraid. It was like being eight yo again and seeing her in the dark about to kill me. She really wanted to kill me, but she couldn't move. Surely mom was seeing Atsumu and not me, and that's why I dyed my hair. It made its effect. But not enough. At the time, she trembled again when she saw me. It was strange, I wasn't supposed to exist. She didn't see me as her son, I was just someone who took care of her. Why did she want to hurt me now? Did she keep confusing me with Tsumu?

I got my answer. I had brought her food because she couldn't do eat it alone. Before, I just left a plate next to the bed and she ate whenever she wanted, now I had to give it to her. Mom started shaking when she saw me. I watched her as her eyes went to the knife, and I turned away immediately. I had the conviction that she wanted to stab me. Mom was medicated, she wasn't supposed to want to attack Atsumu...

"Where...?" he murmured. I stood still, she hadn't spoken for a long time. “Where’s Atsumu...? What have you done to him...?"

She wasn't confusing me. She was looking at me, and she hated me to the point of wanting to kill me. Now I trembled, and left the room. I succumbed to fear. I could only walk a couple of steps, I fell to the floor of the hall. I was short of breath, my body was shaking, my lateral vision had completely erased. I wanted to scream, to scream loudly but nothing came out. I bit my arm tightly to bleed. I hated blood and that made me stop.

 

"Will you come to that trip?" Suna, my classmate, asked me. Recently we had received the information for some small trip in which the course would be three days out of town.

"Probably not." it was too much time outside, and I was in my father's spotlight despite the fact that months have passed since the festival.

However, I liked the idea of going outside the city and spending a few days away from home with Tsumu and other friends. I was the friend who never goes out, so it would be perfect to regain contact. But it would be impossible.

The bell rang and we got up. We had History class and we shared it with Tsumu's class. Therefore, we had to go to a larger classroom. I hurried to find a group table where we could all fit and Tsumu came right after. He looked at me for a while and sat at the table, almost in front of me.

"Something happens to you."

"Why you say that?"

"You haven't slept at all."

Wow, so now it is he who detects these things. I thought he didn't, or that I hid it well.

"True, I haven't slept at all."

"Did she did something?"

I was somewhat surprised. Tsumu never asked about what was happening at home, much less for mom.

"Well, something like that…" He always got very tense when speaking of mom, so I didn't want to tell him. But he insisted. "Now she start seeing me."

Tsumu waited, he knew something else was coming.

"And I think she wants... Well." You know."

"Does she want to kill you?" He said very seriously.

"Don't get mad but she goes saying things like: 'Where is Atsumu?', 'What have you done to him?'" Now I waited, Tsumu paled.

"Get out of there."

"How, I tell dad?" I replied sarcastic.

"Tell it to the hospital. Some doctor will do something. They do intend to do it, not like asshole Dad. Tell her doctor and they will do something. Don't approach her. You know that if she could move, she would have already been thrown at you."

I looked down thoughtfully. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell it to her doctor, maybe they would send someone to take care of mom and I could rest. They already convinced my father to follow the medication, they could do it with that...

"They will end you, Samu," said Atsumu, suddenly. I looked at him, he looked very serious. "They already have fucked our childhood, both of us. And they are fucking your adolescence. They will also do it with your youth and who says they won't force you to stay when you're an adult. You will have to be in that house all your life, taking care of an insane old woman. And surely Dad will want you to take care of him too when he is older. Get out of there, Samu."

"How? I am a minor, I don't have a job and much less a house where to go. Dad wouldn't let me emancipate myself. I have no escape."

Tsumu leaned toward me and put a hand on my cheek.

"I want you free," he said, lowering his voice and our foreheads touched.

But nothing else happened, because students entered and Tsumu sat well. I was surprised ... Was it an attempt to kiss?

If it was that, I had the feeling of wanting it.


	15. Having a break is necessary

In the end, I told in to the hospital and they listened to me. They recommended a nurse to take care of her, because not only was I in danger but she couldn't recover well if I stayed there.

"You... you haven't told that just to get rid of taking care of her, have you?” I listened to my father, blaming me. I looked at him upset, he looked out of place. As if regretting what he had said. But it didn't work for me. That doubt hurt a lot, as if I wanted to falsify something like that...

I was still living in that house, so I didn't get rid of much, but it certainly helped to have someone to distribute the tasks. I could focus on other things while the nurse took care of her. The mornings changed a little, I had more room for schedules. I didn't have to go from here to there busy, I could stay in high school during recesses and I could even stay a while later if a friend or Tsumu invited me to something. At night, the nurse didn't work, so it was my turn. But the 2am pill had changed by 12 o'clock, so it wasn't that drastic.

And the best of it was that I considered going to the school trip. It was a little late, the deadline to pay was over but I managed to convince my teachers to allow me a place. I guess seeing me so excited about that, and considering my family situation, they agreed. I had free access to Dad's account, because I was in charge of paying some things with his number, so I made the payment.

"I haven't given you permission to go."

"It wasn't necessary, the teachers have already agreed to have me."

"It's my money, with which you paid."

"As if that had mattered before..."

"Hey, what has bitten you? You only answer badly, we aren't in the situation so that you have your rebel stage, young man."

"I told you once, but I will say it again. Someday I will leave and I won't tell you anything. You will find it alone. Just wait."

I left him unanswered. I was satisfied, after all I could go on a trip with Tsumu and my classmates

I was quite excited about that departure, because at last I could rest as I deserved. My classmates were surprised to see me with them, and Tsumu looked happy. Although he made a tantrum like a child because I wanted to sit with Suna and not with him. We decided to get in the back seats of the bus, which had four seats, to keep him quiet but the dumbass got dizzy. Even so, the trip was entertaining and I had fun. Tsumu made another tantrum for the bunk beds. We would sleep again in one after so long, but none wanted the bed below. And it would be weird for two boys to share a bed... We were with other classmates, we couldn't do the same as at home. So, we went with other friends and there weren't any more problems.

I felt as if I could finally enjoy everything. To walk around the house when I felt like it, to chat non-stop with someone, to make a fuss until late at night and flee from teachers who wanted us to shut up. Tsumu and I stole food from the kitchen and hid it in the room. When the curfew passed and the teachers slept, we took it out and ate all for a while. The boys trusted us with their stomachs, which was a huge responsibility.

The different activities we did there served to clear me completely. Most of them were active, that came at the right time, and I could enjoy them without thinking about what I would do next home: that if I had to clean, make food, and homework, and take care of Mom... What a great change I felt in just three days and two nights.

On the last night we had a big party in the room, the teachers quickly dismantled us and looted the food (which we had looted before). They sent us to sleep, and turned off the lights. A teacher stayed down the hall to make sure we slept. I felt the breaths of the other boys and some odd comment in dreams. Until I noticed Tsumu moving in his bed, quite a lot. I remembered that at night, Atsumu didn't stop still. And I also remembered something that about him having nightmares. I got up and climbed the bunk stairs. It was dark, so I didn't see him well, but because of the clarity of the hall I noticed that he was shaking a lot and was sweating. Atsumu let out groans that I feared would get higher and wake up somebody. I leaned down and touched his shoulder to wake him up. The nightmare he was having seemed important to leave it that way.

Tsumu woke up from fright and I had to shut him up before he screamed. Surely he was dreaming of our mother, I had also had that kind of nightmares and I understood his fear perfectly. Tsumu was breathing agitated, but tried to calm himself down. I looked in my backpack for a bottle of water and Tsumu drank it almost whole. He lay back on the bed, but he was still exhausted to fall asleep.

"Please, stay a while. Until I fall asleep" I heard him scared, and every instinct to protect him that I had in my childhood increased, so I just wanted to hug him and tell him that he would be fine, that he was safe.

I lay beside him and he curled up. This time I managed to caress him, and he fell asleep immediately. I struggled to stay awake and go to my bed, but my sleepiness beat me. There were teasing the next morning, of course, so we invented that I was a sleepwalker and had confused of bed. Suna looked at me, immediately understanding that I wasn't sleepwalking and was surely drawing his own conclusions, that he didn't mention me.

Returning to the routine after those days was heavier than I thought. Although I had half the job now, I wasn't completely free. However, Tsumu and I could stay for a while in a park or with friends, so I could socialize more, which accompanied the pleasant memory of the trip.

It was strange to start living at 16.


	16. Black out

And it is also strange to be about to die at that age.

Having lived one of the happiest moments I remember, didn't mean that everything was solved in my life. Because Tsumu kept drinking and I was getting more and more aware. Did anyone do something?

Of course not.

Sometimes, the nights when I couldn't fall asleep, I sent him a message and found him awake. He answered me. I don't know if he was drunk at the time or not, but seeing his answer was a bit reassuring. One night, I woke up from a horrible dream. I didn't remember what, but it had been scary. I couldn't fall asleep again, and it had left me feeling very uncomfortable in the body. I left home and went to my uncle's to wait for Tsumu. There, that bad feeling grew.

I waited for him outside the bar, but he didn't show up. We would be late if he didn't leave home, so I went in and asked for him.

"He already left," uncle told me.

"Impossible, Tsumu doesn't get up sooner than necessary."

"Well, he wasn't in his room, I thought he have already left."

"He wasn't...?" My uncle denied it without worries. Suddenly, my heart started beating crazy. "Did you see him yesterday?"

"Sure. He took the dinner to his room, as usual. He closes himself."

"Maybe he didn't come back..." I whispered. Something was telling me that something had happened. That Tsumu hadn't gone to school before me and that he hadn't been in his room at night.

I left the bar and crossed the street. In front, they had a small warehouse to leave things that didn't fit in the back room. There was alcohol there, and Tsumu knew how to enter... The door was open. I was short of breath, I felt the well-known fear enveloping me again. Tsumu was at the back of the room, on the floor. I came running. I wanted to believe he had fallen asleep but I didn't even believe it. I felt that Atsumu was bad. Very bad. He didn't even seem to breathe, and I panicked.

It was like being ten years old again... Seeing my poor brother on the floor dying and I couldn't do anything. Just crying for him, telling him to wake up. Praying that he wouldn't leave me...

"Don't leave me..."

I didn't know how I could call an ambulance back then and I still don't know it now. I hugged my brother tightly, and they took him out of my arms. This time, they let me go with him. Seeing him again in a serious state made me lose track of time and I strongly stuck my nails in my hands so as not to succumb to an attack. I couldn't collapse now, Tsumu needed me. I took him by the hand while they tried to revive him, it was freezing. I kissed it, asked him not to leave me again, and I felt him close slightly to my hand.

They let me into the room and be by his side. Tsumu had had an alcoholic comma and now, safely, he needed to rest. He was wearing an airway to help recover his breathing and although he looked pale, at least he was alive and out of danger.

"You're an idiot," I whispered, stroking his hair. "You have scared me to death."

He didn't answer me, it would still take a while for him to wake up.

We were both alone. I hadn't called Dad, I wanted my brother just for me. My father didn't know anything about his problems with alcohol, and I wanted to keep it that way. Tsumu already had enough for that man to know now. After all, he wouldn't do anything for him so it would be useless. Who did know it was Uncle, and he came to the hospital a couple of days later. He looked angry, so I received him outside the room, in front of the door. I didn't want his moodiness to hurt Tsumu's recovery.

"What have you done, Osamu?" Okay, I didn't expect that. What am I supposed to do? "Couldn't have you taken him out of there first?"

"How did you want me to do that ...? Tsumu wasn't breathing, I couldn't waste time!"

"It was my store. They have given me a huge fine for letting a minor have access to alcohol!"

"I told you to control him. I told you to close the door well. But you did nothing!"

"They could have close my business!"

"Your nephew could have died!"

"I would have lost my job, don't you realize? But no, of course not. You are both the same. You don't give a shit about others, just yourselves and you go around giving orders and believing you're the ones who are offended."

"What's wrong with you!? Tsumu just had an alcoholic comma, don't you mind at all?"

"Atsumu was ungrateful all the time he was at home. He answered badly, he came at the hours he wanted, and he was a capricious and selfish brat who didn't respect my standards".

"You agreed to have him at home."

"Yes, that was before. Now, he's more a nuisance than someone to feel sorry for. And let’s see if you land on Earth and don't go the same way. You two have no idea what responsibility is."

"You know nothing... My brother goes first before any job, any study and anyone. Tsumu is my priority and he almost died when you was in charge..."

"Well, then he has to leave my house, I've had enough."

"Tsumu has nowhere to go."

"It's not my problem anymore, he could have thought about it before."

"And you talk to me about responsibility when you've never helped us. You have never cared for us. If you all had been a real family, this wouldn't have happened." I pointed to the interior of the room. "This is your responsibility!"

"Samu... always screaming when I wake up..." I heard, very very weak.

Tsumu was awake, although he just have done it. I stopped worrying about my Uncle and I went straight to hug him.

"Tsumu, you idiot," I said, shivering. He just smiled. " What were you thinking?"

"Yes, that's right," interrupted our uncle. "What were you thinking, idiot boy? You've screwed me a lot, I'm sick of your nonsense. You're leaving home right now, I   
won't stand you anymore. You are useless, lazy and you spend the whole time drinking. You have sink very low and I won't do anything else for you."

"Shut up!!" Atsumu shouted hysterically. Uncle wanted to reply, but I intervened.

"Out!"

Despite his complaints, I threw him out of the room. Tsumu needed rest and having Uncle there screaming at him wouldn't help at all. I sat on the bed next to him and took him by the hands.

"Tsumu... you have a serious problem."

"I know, okay ...? I know what's wrong with me. But it's the only thing that can help me sleep, I told you. I drink until I sleep. And although it is not a placid dream, at least I have no nightmares ... They are very bad, Samu... I see how she kills me again and again."

And he began to cry. I stroked his cheek and made him look at me.

"I know. I have them too. I also see how she kills you, or how it kills me... The nights I keep awake I think it's because I feel your fear. I understand you, Tsumu... I understand you a lot, but this can't go on like this. Don't you see that you could have died?"

Atsumu nodded.

"What I am going to do...? He has kicked me out of home, I have nowhere to go..."

"He can't be serious and kick you out ..."

"He hates me. He doesn't like children or teenagers, that's why he doesn't have kids. And he had to take care of me... He hates me ... And I'm going to stay in the streets."

"Of course not, I don't allow it. Whatever happens, we will always be together. Right?"

Atsumu looked at me, still crying. In fact, he cried even more.

"Samu, there is something else..."

"What do you mean?"

"There's something else ... Something else is added to the drink. Not only do I have nightmares but... I like you. I've fallen in love with you. With my brother..."

I didn't expect that at all. I froze, and he cried more. The absurd idea that someone had noticed me like that was so unlikely... I had long since closed my heart. I thought that nobody was going to love me and that I was doomed to live without anyone looking at me. But... Someone had just confessed and it was my brother. My brother.

I didn't feel disgusted, rather surprised. My brother had fallen in love with me. That wasn't a common phrase, of course not, and maybe I should have acted like a normal person and refused. But I saw it just like me. I saw that my brother was just as damned as me, to be there and nothing else.

Tsumu approached and we kissed.


	17. About to explode

After a few days, Tsumu was discharged. For now, we were at uncle's house. I didn't want to separate from him. Our uncle grumbled, threatened to kick us both out and reproached us for everything. On the second day of being there, Dad came. I didn't call him, so I deduced that uncle did. We were sitting on the couch, Tsumu protected in my arms like the first time Mom drowned him in the bathtub. We weren't crying, but our hearts were shrinking and we felt each other.

Dad and uncle argued about what to do with Atsumu. He couldn't return home, nor could he stay there. He was in no man's land and apparently none of them realized that they just wanted to get rid of him and not find a solution.

"Come," Dad said. At first, I refused but ended up accessing. I also had things to tell him. Tsumu went to his room. "Why haven't you called me?"

"Did you care?"

"Don't say that, of course I care."

"Have you asked him how he is? Have you hugged him or said you would help him? Nothing. You have only begun to argue with uncle about where you are going to put him. This isn't caring."

"You are so impertinent lately... You weren't like that before."

"Before what? Before mom almost killed me? Or since you forced me to stay at home to take care of someone who almost killed my brother to blows?"

"Lower your voice, I'm still your father."

"You talk to me about responsibility, but where were you when Atsumu got sick and I had to hide him because he couldn't protect himself from mom? Where were you...? Atsumu has already been in danger of death too many times to speak to you well."

"You reproach me for things that were beyond my reach."

"They weren't ... How could you leave a child in charge of another with a woman who is crazy?"

"I won't have you talk like this about your mother."

"Stop excusing her! Not understanding doesn't make her less guilty. You all are! You are guilty of Tsumu's wounds, you are guilty of his alcoholism. You are guilty of my "rebellion." You only wash your hands whenever you want. You just pass Tsumu from hand to hand as if it were a bomb that in the end will explode. It will, one way or another. And I will go behind."

"You are really disappointing me, Osamu. I thought you had common sense."

"I don't have anything left. Only Tsumu ... The others are nothing to me."

He slapped me, but I felt nothing. No pain, no anger, no pity. I looked at him. He was affected, he regretted it or something, but it was done.

"Osamu ..." He wanted to reach me but I pulled away.

I looked into his eyes, and then without saying anything I went to Atsumu's room. I got him out of there and we left the house.

...

 

"Where we will go?"

"I don't know."

"Didn't you have access to dad's account? Then take out money."

"I don't know by heart, and he's at home. And I don't want to go there. Surely now he would be there waiting."

"We don't have money, Samu. We cannot leave the city. What if they look for us?"

"They won't."

Our escape attempt failed after two days. The police found us, dad had called them. He met us in his car to talk, but we didn't look at him. We had nothing to tell him.

"Your uncle and I have agreed that Atsumu can be emancipated."We have an apartment where you can go."

"An apartment?"

"We had it when we were young, before I got married."

"Did you go there when you weren't in hotels, Dad?"

"Silence. Atsumu, go up to uncle's house and pack your bags." Tsumu growled but got out of the car. Maybe he was bothered by the idea that they didn't want him wherever he went, and it was understandable. I made the move to follow him. "Osamu, let's go home."

I was locked up again. Couldn't I go with Tsumu? Leave us alone? Besides Tsumu couldn't stay alone... Dad started the car and we got away from there.

"I want to go with Tsumu. The nurse is coming to take care of mom, you don't need me."

"Yes, I need you. Look, I know you won't believe me but I love you. You are my son, and I have always taken care of you the best I have been able to do."

"Because Mom ignored me."

Dad sighed.

"The doctor wants to start a therapy with her and you."

"Where do I fit in there?

"He wants you to understand each other, both Mom and you. That way mom would stop seeing you badly."

Looking badly was a misplaced term.


	18. I don't want it

So, a few days later my father and I were in the hospital. I wasn't sure if that would work, because if Mom was medicated she shouldn't do those things. So that meant she really hated me.

"Good afternoon, I'm Dr. Yagami," the doctor greeted, shaking my hand. "I'll be with you during the session. You don't have to fear anything, a table will separate you and we won't let her get up until the session is over. Her doctor will also be with her."

"Do you really think this is going to help?"

"I hope so, you need it."

I didn't miss the fact that he addressed me, with that last, but I had no more time to think about it. The doctor accompanied me to a room, there was already my mother sitting. She didn't look at anyone. They made me sit in front of her.

"Sachiko, look at him. He's your son" his doctor told her. She refused at first, but in the end she looked at me. She was still for a few seconds, and then denied.

"No, no... It's not Atsumu."

"Of course not. You have two children, one is Atsumu and the other is he, Osamu."

"I don't have another son..."

"Who do you think he is, then?"

"An imposter... Atsumu doesn't come home, he sure has done something to him. He has done something to my son..."

"I haven't done anything to him," I murmured, annoyed, and she listened to me. I was tired of making me look like the bad guy when it was she who had hurt Tsumu. "Tsumu doesn't live at home because of you..."

Dr. Yagami put a hand on my shoulder, as if warning me.

"No!" my mother shouted. "You've taken him away! Give me back my little son... Leave him alone."

"Leave him alone?! I am the only one for which Tsumu is still alive." To her, that sounded like a threat.

"You are a monster... What has my poor child done to you...?"

"Sachiko, Osamu is innocent," his doctor said again, it seemed she was listening to him. "Give him your hand, you'll see that he won't do anything to you."

Now it was me, who threatened? Was it me who wanted to kill? That stupid therapy wouldn't work... They forced us both to put our hands on the table and hold them. I noticed her tension and she mine. I didn't want to look at her, but I did. Mom stared at me, her dark eyes looked like black holes ready to absorb me. I noticed immediately... My body trembled, my mind remembered that time I saw her in the dark before she tried to kill me. I remembered her looking at the knife in the food tray... She wanted to kill me again.

I pulled away scared, she also began to tremble.

"I want to get out of here," I said, without looking at anyone.

"Go..." My mother muttered. "Go away! Don't get close to me or my son..."

I got up and went to the door. It was closed and I was overwhelmed, Dr. Yagami came immediately and I was able to leave the room.

"Come with me," the doctor asked me, and I followed him to a new consultation. There was no one there and I was able to calm down a bit.

"I don't want to participate in this," I said, convinced. "She wants to kill me.

"And it will continue, if we don't do something. It's the first session, it's normal to be the same as before. Over time, but, it will improve. In the end, she will realize that you are his son and you are not dangerous."

"That I am dangerous!?"

"For her, you are. That must change, obviously. You will do well too, I have seen your reaction and you have a problem that can be solved. If you keep coming, your therapy will be good for you."

"My therapy?"

"I thought this would work, although you have to work individually as well."

"Wait, wait ... what do you mean by that?"

"Osamu, there are things we have to work together. You don't need medication, but a therapeutic follow-up."

"I don't get it. This is supposed to be for my mother, what follow-up am I supposed to follow?"

"Why do you think you are here?" said the doctor. I was somewhat confused, so I started tying up ends.

"My father ... My father told you about me, right?"

"Yes, he contacted me."

"He lied to me ... He told me it would be a therapy for my mother... He told me a doctor would take care of that."

"I thought you agreed."

I bit my lip hard until I felt the taste of blood and quickly left there. My father saw me and followed me.

"Osamu ..."

"Why do you contact a shrink behind my back?"

"He's not a shrink, he's just going to help you."

"I don't need help." My father reached me. He held me tightly and started to take me to the car. "Let me go!"

But I had forgotten that my father was strong, he had to be when he immobilized my mother when she was attacking and he was at home to tie her up. He dragged me to the car and put me in it. No one around us did anything, I suppose it seemed normal for someone leaving the centre to shout...

We arrived home and wanted to lock myself in the room, but my father prevented my escape again. He faced me.

"You need it, Osamu."

"I don't need anything!"

"You two escaped from home and it was your idea. I never imagined that you would do that, not you. I do not want to lose you..."

With that last, his voice broke. I was too surprised to answer, but I was still angry. Am I now a lost case? Am I so bad? Maybe yes, but the same way my father's attitude bothered me.

"Osamu... You didn't do these things before. You didn't answer wrong, you obeyed and you never raised your voice at me. I'm sorry I slapped you, but there are things that escape from me. And I don't want you to be one of those things."

"Dad, do you really wonder why I changed? You know exactly what mom did to us ... is that not enough?"

"I love you. We were very close, you were the apple of my eye..."

"That changed when you left us at her mercy."

"I've never wanted you to be hurt, you are my children... But I couldn't do anything. She's your mother, she is my wife. The woman I love..."

"You can be a very good person, Dad, but you abandoned us. She may be your wife, but it didn't stop hurting us. We didn't stop being your children and your duty was to take care of us."

"I did... I did what I could, really. I took care of you from the first moment. Your mother... For her only Atsumu was born. She became so protective that she wouldn't let me approach him. I was alone with you." Dad started crying. "When Atsumu grew up, she took it as a betrayal and... And it was too late."

"Too late? Tsumu is 16 years old, was there really not a single moment in your life that you could help him?"

"Atsumu has long been a lost case ... but you aren't."

"He's not a lost case, he just needs support."

"Don't go the same way... not you. I don't want to lose you."

"You lost me every time Mom hurt Tsumu. I was always next to him."

"I know it was wrong to lie to you about the doctor, but I think he will help you. We must solve it before it gets worse..."

"It's already worse dad!" It was my turn to start crying. "Maybe yes, I'm bad... Maybe dreaming of blood every night is bad. Maybe being afraid of my own mother is being wrong. I may have gone with a dude who..." I shut up with a gasp. That was too embarrassing to say. "Maybe it is wrong. But I don't want therapies or things like that. I just want my brother... Only him."

My father hugged me, and I cried more. When I was three years old, his arms felt safe. In later years no. He was a strange man to me, even. Now I felt a little protected, that meant a lot for the times he had left me alone. I would never trust my father again, but for that time I let him hold me a little more.


	19. Against the world

The apartment was quite small, but it fit two people perfectly. There weren't a lot of furniture, surely my father and my uncle would take everything when they moved from there. Tsumu didn't know how to cook, so I told him that I would bring him some Tupper with my food and he was glad. Although he had fantasized about leaving home, now finding himself alone didn't feel like it at all.

"Samu, stay."

"You know he won't leave me. Whenever I leave, he will call the police again to find me and send me back to the psychologist."

"But I need you..." he muttered. Tsumu wasn't weak in front of anyone but me.

"I can stay in the afternoon, if you want."

"I want you at night..."

I sighed, while he sat on the bed yet to be done. He looked downcast and pale.

"Uncle wants me to work and pay him the fine..." he said, after a while.

"In what are you going to work? You're underage"

"There, at the bar. He says that if I work at night, it won't be noticed that much. I will charge what I have sold and tips..."

"No, Atsumu... Not at the bar." If Tsumu had free access to the bar, it was certain that he would end up drinking. And that could not happen in any way.

"Yeah, but he wants me there. He says it's the only place they would accept me... that nobody would want someone like me."

"That's not true, you are able to work like any other. But the bar is not a good option."

"I already know it!" He got nervous and I sat next to him to stroke his back. He leaned on my shoulder. "That's why I want you to come here... I just can't help it, Samu, not without you..."

"Tsumu you must learn not to drink by yourself. You cannot depend on me."

"I know, but I can't do it now. I can't stay alone, I know very well that I would drink without caring about anything..."

"If you're aware of that, why are you still doing it?"

"Because the nights are the worst. I only get a good rest when you're by my side."

I hugged him tightly. When he began to confess these things, I wanted to hit anything that hurt him. I would lash out the bottles of alcohol, if necessary.

"Tsumu, I'm going to be honest, okay?" Atsumu nodded. "You worry me a lot. If you keep drinking so much, considering that mom has... Well, that mom is like this... Tsumu, I'm afraid you might have something because of alcohol and here genes or something."

"You say I can go crazy...?"

"It's a possibility, although it may not. But Tsumu, alcoholism is already serious in itself... So, let's get out of this. We will leave the alcohol."

I said it in plural because I wanted him to know that he had my unconditional support. Tsumu sobbed.

"In the morning we will go to class, so you will be safe there. In the afternoon, I will stay here and do our homework and study together." Tsumu nodded. "And... I can ask Uncle to let me work with you. That way you won't be alone."

Tsumu undid the hug to look at me. He was about to cry, but he looked at me with relief.

"Samu, promise me you'll never leave me..."

"Not in this life, nor in another."

Tsumu sighed and kissed me desperately. I still didn't get used to kissing, but that one was different. Tsumu downloaded everything with that, and I accepted it. I reciprocated it, and the kiss lengthened and multiplied. Atsumu gasped and hugged me tightly.

There I stopped a little. I hadn't been with someone like that for relatively recently and I got nervous. Had Tsumu been with someone before me? I didn't tell him about Professor Abe until he discovered it himself, would the same thing have happened? Was Tsumu a virgin? And first of all... Why do I think he's a virgin or not, if it's just been a kiss? Or maybe not... I looked into his eyes, and immediately wanted to continue. I kissed him again and laid him on the bed, he laughed.

God, I was fucking my brother and I was not ashamed. It was so pleasant to have him under me and listen to him, see him smiling and sweating... Kissing him. It was nothing shameful. It was nothing disgusting. It was my brother, my only support. And I was his. It was just him and me, alone against the world.


	20. The time of our lifes

I knew that I loved being with my brother, but I was scared. How much did Tsumu love me? How much did I love him? If I didn't find an answer, I would be doing the same thing that Professor Abe did with me. And I would never forgive myself.

"What are you laughing at?"

Tsumu always giggled when we finished. He looked at me, still panting.

"It's funny. I have to control myself or they will hear me moan my brother's name. "He leaned on one elbow and stroked my hair. "Do you have time for another round?"

"You are an insatiable beast." Tsumu laughed more and gave me a long kiss. We were very close when we separated.

"Samu, I'm leaving," he said, in a confident whisper. "When I'll turn 18, I'm leaving. I still feel her presence here, and I want to leave. Leave the city and go anywhere, away from here. Come with me."

"The last time we tried to leave, they discovered us."

"It will be different, we will be of legal age and cannot be forced to return. We'll take Uncle's old truck, which doesn't use it, and we'll leave."

"Learn to drive first."

"I will do it. And you too. You have access to dad's account, get him money. We can survive for a while."

I smiled a little.

"You have such bright ideas..."

"And you follow them."

He was right. Although I always refused what he said, and I accused him of the craziest plans, I would always follow him.

"I must go," I announced. Tsumu complained. "The curfew."

"When we live together and free, we will fuck all day. I warn you."

"Like I said, you are insatiable." I thought about it, I went over and kissed him. I sighed. "All right, one quickie…"

Tsumu laughed again.

 

"Osamu, are you banging your brother?"

I stayed frozen. Suna was quite straightforward, and there was no reason to deny it. It would be useless, Suna always knew everything even when he didn't want to. I didn't nod either, but it wasn't necessary.

"I always saw that Atsumu treated you and looked strangely at you but I wouldn't have said it about you."

"Well ... It just happened." Suna raised an eyebrow, but added nothing. I sat next to him, willing to confess. He was my best friend, so I would tell him. "Tsumu and I plan to leave the city at the end of the course. We will not return."

"So, you're going to run away."

"No." I thought so. "We'll be free."

"One thing is an idea and the other is fulfilling it. They caught you fully when you ran away."

"It will be different now, nobody will force us. I'm doing driving classes, Tsumu will do it when he raises money. At 18, we'll have a licence and we will go with my uncle's truck."

"If your uncle comes up with complaints of vehicle theft, they will follow you with the registration."

"Tsumu says he doesn't use it."

"And only one reason is enough to want back what you didn't want before. If you take it away, he will want it."

"And what do we do? Nor can we wait to buy a car."

"I just say you have to think about it. You cannot screw it up now that you are leaving, all the effort will have been useless. Also, think that the money will run out if you don't work."

He was right, so I had to make a good plan to be able to leave the city without problems.

So, we got serious with our escape plan. I don't know how it hadn't occurred to me before, our idea was so loose that everything would go wrong. We needed a good organization. Months passed and we graduated at the end of high school, but we still had a lot to do.

Our birthday was in October, so in the remaining months we started the plan. Atsumu managed to keep the truck after insisting for a while. It was broken, so the uncle gave it without complications. He spent the summer fixing it while I get my driving licence. Now it was his turn to do it. Meanwhile, I collected the money. I had saved all the money my uncle had given me when working at the bar. It wasn't much considering it wasn't a normal salary, but it was enough after three years accumulated. I opened a bank account and took out a debit card. Little by little, I transferred money from my father to my account. If I did it suddenly, it would show too much and Dad would find out. If I was slow, he wouldn't notice until he went to the bank. By then, we would already be out of town.

On our birthday, we all party. It was a bit risky considering Tsumu's history, but I would see how much control he had and how he had evolved since then.  
I never left him, Tsumu didn't drink a drop of alcohol but was elated. This was our last night and we were having the best time possible. Say goodbye to those who cared and leave behind those who had done us so much harm.

We jumped, danced, sang and laughed a lot. It was one of the few times I had such a good time, and I wanted to remember that moment. With so many bad things, having a cheerful and beautiful memory was something like a treasure.

"Saaaaamu." Tsumu laughed and hugged me by the neck. "Are you having fun?"

"A lot," I replied, hugging him from behind. "And you haven't drunk any alcohol. That's very good and I am proud of you."

We join our fronts. In the darkness of the club nobody would see our faces. And it was a good time to confess that yes, I was proud and I was glad that Tsumu   
could be fine in an environment full of drinks.

"This is our last night here ... Tomorrow we will leave and everything bad will be over," Tsumu said, closing his eyes at the contact. "We'll be free."

"As we had to be from the beginning," I nodded. Atsumu smiled at me.

"I love you."

I didn't say anything, I just kissed him. No one would see us, I didn't care either. In the middle of a place with so many people, only Atsumu mattered and I know that for him it was the same with me. Nothing else mattered, just our freedom.

The next morning, I said goodbye to the nurse who took care of my mother. Clearly, I made it look like I would met someone so she didn't suspect that I wouldn't return home. Although he didn't deserve it, I thought carefully if I left a note to my father or not. I had told him thousands of times that I would leave and say nothing, but that left me pensive. How much has happened to not want to talk to my father? The gap between us was too big to save it now. Perhaps with the passing of the years, our relationship would improve but now it was impossible. So, I took the backpack and left home. My suitcase was with Tsumu so no one would suspect. Atsumu left the apartment and we got into the van.

We were nervous. It was now or never, any mistake would be very problematic so we had to be careful. We couldn't breathe easy until we left the city. I drove first, later I would change for Tsumu. Our plan was to get to Tokyo and find a hostel where to rest from the trip. 

Neither of us talked during the journey through the city. I noticed the tension in my brother, who immediately infected me. At that time no one would ask for me so we had free track.

We had a good time on the highway, at the exit of Hyogo, because it was rush hour. Tsumu was moving nervously and was already starting to growl at some moron driver. Half an hour later, we were able to leave the city. We passed the sign indicating the limit of Hyogo and Tsumu shouted with joy.

“We are free, Samu! Finally.”

I smiled. I felt like him, all the weight accumulated in these years faded every kilometre travelled. Not having to go back, not having a strict schedule, not having responsibilities that I didn't want to do... It was a wonderful feeling. Atsumu played music, starting his own party, and kissed me on the cheek.

"Now, we will begin to live."


	21. Staying on the capital

We parked the car in a motel on the outskirts of Tokyo at nightfall, Tsumu woke me when I arrived. We paid for a couple of nights, our plan was to continue traveling until we reach the city and start to live there. I checked my cell phone and saw that I had several missed calls and messages from my father, but I didn't answer anything. I left him seen. I lay on one of the beds and Tsumu threw himself on top of me.

"These beds are even smaller, we can't fit."

"Yes," he said carelessly.

"Sure, you don't have to bear your fat brother."

"The pillows don't speak, Samu ~"

"You are so dumb..."

Similarly, the fool ended up being me because I let him stay that way.

I fell asleep immediately, because the drive had exhausted us terribly. Although I didn't have a peaceful dream; I felt nervous, I didn't see anything at all but I felt something behind me. Something that stalked me, something that wanted to hit me, hurt me, kill me ... I had no voice, I was frozen, terrified ... In the dark there was still something that scared me.

And suddenly I felt pain. I groaned in fear, they had already reached me and were killing me... my mother was killing me ... but I woke up and it was Tsumu, who hugged me tightly with his arms, still asleep.

I had to wake him up because he was tightening more and more. He was scared and had trouble in reacting.

"Tsumu, you’re asphyxiating me ..." he woke up with a little jump and almost shouted. When he saw me, he gasped and hugged me normally, then he leaned back and fell asleep again.

That we have managed to flee, doesn't mean that we have solved everything. There were still wounds. We left the coffin, but there were still land to be removed over us.

“What will we do from now on?"

"I want to go see the city, don't you?" Atsumu nodded. "Well, get up, you've been in bed all day."

Tsumu complained a little, but sat up. We had to take advantage of the time we were staying in Tokyo because we had nothing planned from now on. We didn't know if we would return or if we would stay.

"Can we stay at a little hotel? We won't have to go shopping for food."

"Do you think money appears by magic?"

"Come oooon, at least including breakfast."

"Don't make me that abandoned dog face, you don't pity me." The truth was that the idea of a free buffet was too tempting ... but I couldn't give in. He had to manage money well.

"Come on, Samu ~" He approached me and hugged me. "A good breakfast to start the day, there will be everything ... And we can keep things for later. Come on, Samu, come on... ~"

"You are a spoiled child."

"Spoil me more ~" He started kissing my neck. I cleared my throat, trying to control the situation. But my brother is just as capricious as he is horny. "Samu ~"

"It's okay ... Take off, silly." He giggled and separated justly." "We'll look at something cheap, nothing fancy, understand? No, no pool. And now, get dressed."

"Oh, but the kisses were serious, Samu. As a good morning ~"

I stared at him, he winked at me. I sighed and accepted. I should learn not to spoil him so much, he then take advantage.

Atsumu was capricious, but he had good taste. The hotel he chose was very cheap and simple but the food was good, and that earned it so many points. We only had breakfast included, but we took bread, jams, butters and something else for later.

Tokyo was huge, there was still a lot to discover, so we planned to stay another time. But adult life has a serious problem and its money.

"I almost have nothing left of what we get, I will have to go to the cashier for more," I told Tsumu. "I'll leave now, I don't know how far the bank can be. Stay here and behave yourself."

"I'll be eating here."

"Good." And I left.

To my surprise, we didn't have much left. I thought there would be a lot more when we left home, but now my accounts were quite alarming. We would have to save more, from now on, at least until we can get more money.

I got lost and to feel better about myself, I walked around the city a bit until I found the hotel. Upon arrival, Tsumu wasn't in our room so I looked for him in the dining room. We didn't pay for the lunch, but he could have sneaked perfectly. But he wasn't there... How strange. Where would He go?

I looked for him throughout the hotel. Tsumu didn't know the city, maybe he had gone out and got lost like me... But no, I answered myself shortly after. I returned to the dining room when there were no people and when I passed the bar, I stumbled upon something and I almost fell. That something was Atsumu, shrunk on the ground.

"Tsumu, what ...?" No need to ask the question, he looked at me and I understood the second. "No..."

"I-I didn't want ... They gave it for free and I tried ... I tried me..."

"Not enough time has passed!" Pissed off, I lifted him by the shirt and he shrugged. "What's wrong with you, you want to spoil everything!?"

"No! No..." he sobbed. I finished lifting him, standing him up, and took him to the room. There, I pushed him to the bed. "Samu, I'm sorry..."

"Do I have to take care of you as if you were two years old?!" Tsumu cried."

"We have come far, Tsumu, we cannot throw it overboard at the first one thing that comes upon us..."

"I know... I-I was wrong..." He reached out to take my hand.

"I don't want to lose you, Tsumu. And I'm afraid that you go, that you drown..."

"I-I'm afraid too, you know...? I'm going crazy..."

"What do you mean...? What do you feel?"

"I am at the limit. Don't go, Samu, or I'll get lost..."

It was my turn to collapse.

 

We agreed that we would stay in Tokyo. I didn't trust Tsumu and his promises, and I forbade him to drive. I refused to always take the car, so we settled down. I was looking for work that valued the experience in my uncle's bar. The money was running out... And Tokyo was very, very expensive. Searching for an apartment was an odyssey.

We found a hovel in the suburbs. Bad neighbourhood, but cheap. We almost got into a shoebox of how small the apartment was, but we couldn't complain for now. It was what our budget reached.

I got a job, in a motel. It wasn't much, it gave us for rent and little else. We had to ration meals, to our regret. We were hungry

Tsumu found no job. Well, I would say that he didn't even try hard to search. I saw him distant, many times he kept quiet doing his own thing and I saw him less and less for work, and I couldn't control him. I didn't know what to do with him.  
Besides, he complained about everything and made me nervous. What did he think, that I liked the situation?

"Stop snorting and eat the soup. I don't like it either, but that's what we have for now."

"I know, but I want to complain. Shutting up and lowering my head is not my style."

"Don't bother me when I'm hungry."

"Guess what, you're always hungry. We don't eat more than these things."

"Well, get a job and there will be more money at home."

There he stopped, he knew I was right but he didn't react. Why didn't he take responsibility? I felt exhausted, I hardly went home and Tsumu always woke me up at night with his nightmares. I needed a good rest, sleeping at least 12 hours, but I couldn't. I did overtime to earn some more money. 

In addition, Tsumu caught a bad cold and I had to ration our consumption even more.

The body is wise and warns if something goes wrong. I felt I needed to rest, but I hardly slept a couple of hours. The food wasn't varied enough, and taking care of Tsumu was a high risk of transmission. I ended up getting sick, more than him. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to stay in bed. I was weak and couldn't move.

"If I don't go, they'll discount it..." I complained. The rols had changed and now Tsumu had to take care of me. Although he was overwhelmed, he didn't know how to take care of someone.

"You can't go to work, Samu."

"Go for me... We can't go without money. Go and say you're me, it will only be a couple of days at most..."

"Well... But I will if you rest. "Tsumu looked at me worried.

"I just need sleep... Don't worry..."

In the end, I needed more than a couple of days. At night, I caught fever that lasted for many days. Afterwards, it left me so tired that I had to keep resting.

"Have you already paid the rent...? Have you gone shopping? Did they tell you something at work...?"

I thought Tsumu would be overwhelmed with so many things, he wasn't used to it. He didn't tell me about the motel, but the rest took him up to date.

"Isn't it too late? Go to sleep..."

"Better not. I don't want to wake you up with my nightmares, you need to rest."

"Don't be silly, you need it too..." I shut up, because he had taken me pudding. "But, Tsumu, don't buy these things... I can't ask you to make the shopping..."

"It's just a whim. We can afford it." I forgave him right away and he gave it to me. "And now sleep, you still look pale."

I nodded, took him by the hand and fell asleep immediately.


	22. Is this love?

After a while, I was able to move around the house. I could go to the couch and come back to bed, and I could take care of some things at home. I wasn't a maniac of order, but being responsible for the house makes you more tidy and clean.

Tsumu was in charge of buying, and the bags had to be checked more than once so there are no surprises. He always bought something we didn't need, some dessert or an extra snack. He made sure that he had it under control and that he just wanted to have details with the patient - being me.

"Samu, look at what I bought you," he said happily, searching through the shopping bags. He pulled out a hat, a scarf and a pair of gloves. "Merry Christmas!

"It's not fair, I have nothing to give you..."

"Oh, you'll give it back to me one day. Just dropping that the Switch looks cool ~"

"Not in dreams I buy you that. Now seriously, where did you get all this?"

"Don't worry, I bought it at a market. It is cheap."

"Tsumu, it has the ticket."

"Damn...! It isn't so much, we can afford it."

"For you, we can afford everything ... Math has never been your thing."

"I know how to count, Samu. I have it controlled."

He was lying. Of course he was lying, but I wouldn't get anything for now. I always ended up discovering his pranks and lies, sometimes in the worst possible way.

I discovered it. And I didn't like it at all. Especially since the blame fell on me, not him.

"Samuuuu," I heard him hum. He was coming from the supermarket. "They had chocolate mousse!"

"When were you going to tell me that you steal money from the motel?"

"... It's unfair. You work too much for the misery they pay you. I just took what we earned from the box..."

"They have discovered it and you worked under my name!"

Tsumu looked somewhat lost, at least he realized the seriousness of the matter.

"Have you been fired...?"

"No. I must return everything you took... And we don't have it... We have nothing, Tsumu. And if we don't pay the rent, they'll kick us out. We will live on the   
street because of your fucking fault!"

"I just wanted to help."

"If you want to help, get a job. Let me do my thing without spoiling it all!"

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wanted to go back to Hyogo. That although I was tied at home, at least I could eat, or even study... But I had made a decision of no return when I left with Atsumu. I couldn't return home so soon. I was desperate, yes, but I didn't want to go home as the coward I would be.

"Samu ... Samu, listen to me..." I ignored him. "Samu, please."

"What do you want...?" I replied at the end.

"I'm sorry... I wanted to help you, be useful..."

"When did you think stealing from a boss was a good idea?"

"In any moment. I knew it was risky, but you looked so bad... I didn't want to extend it much, but you needed to eat because you were sick and... I'm sorry... Forgive me..."

"Accept it, you've screwed it up. Everything has its consequences, find out how the world works."

"I have gone to the motel, I have told them what happened..."

"And they believed you?"

"At first, no ... But in the end they have forgiven you. They will pay you again."

"Just like this?"

"I will work with you, but without charge. I will work until I have covered what I took away..."

"Tsumu... That means..."

"That we can pay the rent and they won't throw us out."

I sighed with relief, and kissed him somewhat roughly. It served as forgiveness.

 

Tsumu became very cuddly, even annoying. He said he missed me, he was on top of me all the time, he kissed me whenever he could and we always ended up in bed. I had to stop him when we were at the motel, because they could discover us. It would be a serious mistake. Tsumu managed to return the stolen and, to my surprise, wanted to work. Apparently, he wanted to take responsibility. I had some fear. If the motel owner told another company that Tsumu had robbed them once, nobody would hire him. But a hotel did it, although he passed a trial period.

"Does the uniform suit me?"

"Nah, green isn't your colour..." I lied, he looked great.

Tsumu was doing well. He had to mature a little and face working life, and now we both brought money home so better than better.

"Samu," he murmured, in one night. "I know of a certain hotel that will have a suite room free... And I know of a certain person who has the keys... ~ It's time to   
try a double bed, don't you think?"

"In working hours? They will find us."

"Nah, after work. I'll wait for you at midnight, prince ~"

"Don't be late, Cinderella."

So, one night I went to Tsumu's hotel and headed to the room he indicated. Tsumu was waiting for me there, upon entering I heard the noise of running water.

"A bath?"

"Yes, you'll see... I haven't had baths in a while, not after... Well, after that. I thought to resume the habit with you..."

I noticed him somewhat nervous. I understood the reason for that suggestion, Atsumu only showered because the bathtub brought bad memories from the time Mom drowned him. And that he was trying to overcome his fears seemed like a good idea.

I took off my clothes without warning and Tsumu altered. I laughed at his face and went into the bathroom. I got into the bathtub and waited for him. Atsumu came later and get in the bathtub with me. We weren't kids, we hardly fit, but we had shared narrow beds so we didn't complain. Tsumu trembled a little, closed his eyes and leaned against my chest. I stroked his hair to keep him calm.

"Samu, I'm sorry I gave you so many problems..." I whisper.

"It's time for confessions?" I laughed, but he looked serious so I stopped.

"I didn't want to... I promise I'll get better."

"You need help and I'll be with you, but I can't go after you all the time. Learn to take care of yourself."

"I love you..."

That's not what I expected. I wanted to add something, but he covered my mouth.

"It doesn't matter... I just want you to be with me and that's it."

"Tsumu... I don't think ours is love. What if we only feel that because we have nothing else? I don't want a desperate love."

"So what if it's that? I love you. Whether out of despair or not... I won't change that." He looked at me intensely, and I kissed him. We didn't sleep tonight, needless to say why. Tsumu was right, what if it was out of desperation? We had no one by our side, and no one would ever understand us.

It wasn’t romantic. It was giving up.


	23. Shattered

You could say we had a marked and boring routine. We didn't see each other so much because our schedules differed. The only moments we could be together were some nights during the week, and we were so tired that we slept right away. Tsumu didn't rest at all when he had nightmares, so he was worse than me. I saw him bad; his face, his gestures, his increasingly prolonged sighs...

"Tsumu, listen... I want to talk to you seriously."

"You always talk to me seriously," he said. His tired voice left no room for a joke.

"Listen..." I sat with him. It was a sensitive issue, because I knew he would react badly. "Why don't we look for... someone, who can help you sleep better?"

"As...?"

"You know… Some self-help group with whom you can talk and feel better…"

"I'm not going to talk to anyone," he raised his voice. He was angry.

"I'm not enough, Tsumu. I'm always with you and you're still having nightmares, you're still not resting well... You need something else."

"No, Samu, I only need you. Only you understand me..."

"But it isn't only solved with understanding. You have to go further... If you don't rest, you can get sick"

"I can get even more sick, right?" His voice broke now. "I know I'm a nuisance to you, but I don't want to go..."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is, I know. And I understand it... Nobody wants to take care of me."

I was ready to reply, but my cell phone interrupted me. With that little distraction, Tsumu escaped me and went to the bathroom. I pulled out the phone and was surprised to see the sender. There were months that he no longer called, he had given up... I replied. Did something happened?

"Dad...?"

My father sighed when he heard me. I noticed him nervous.

"Osamu... Look, I don't know how to tell you this after these months but..." I let him talk, it seemed a serious matter. "Mom is in the hospital, it's very serious..."

"What...?" I released in a low voice.

"We don't know if it was an accident or caused... She's bad... Come, please." Before he said anything, he spoke again. "I don't ask you to come see her, just... Be here. I need you here."

"I..."

The news had not left me indifferent. Mom's doctor already warned in that there could be episodes of self-harm or even suicide attempts. What made me worry, above all, was my father who seemed about to cry. He sounded shattered, I knew he was.

"There is no need for Atsumu to come, it's not necessary to put him into this." he added. I heard him gasp, he was crying.

"I'll go... Although I have a long road trip."

"It's okay... Drive carefully."

I hung up before he started crying more. I didn't forgive my father, but listening to him like that made me feel guilty about everything. My father wasn't a bad man, he was only wrong too many times and the consequences were disastrous.

"Where are you going...?" I heard Atsumu ask from the bathroom door.

"Dad has called, he says that Mom is in the hospital, and very serious..." Tsumu fell silent, and became paler than he already was. "He told me to go."

"You're not coming back, you know that. He will go with the story so that you stay there and our plan to live far from them will be in vain."

"Tsumu, this is no story. I don't want to stay there, you know it."

"I won't go..."

"He said you didn't need to come, but I'm not going to leave you here alone."

He looked me straight in the eye. He knew what I was talking about.

"I don't trust you," I confessed. "Whenever I go to, you will drink. So, you come with me. Don't go to the hospital, if you don't want to, but you come."

He said nothing, but I knew that offended him greatly. I was right, Tsumu was wrong and he being alone was just a danger.

"You know that if I leave, they won't hire me anymore, right?" Tsumu said slowly. "We don't know when we will be away, they won't give me vacations and they will kick me out. Up to you."

"Don't threaten me, I said I'm not going to leave you alone. You haven't shown me that you can fend for yourself."

He shut up and didn't talk to me all day long. Afterwards, he only answered with monosyllables. He was angry.

Likewise, I didn't change my mind and on Saturday we went to Hyogo.

I drove all the way. Firstly, because I forbade Atsumu to do it. Secondly, because he was angry and wouldn't have accepted either way. I parked in front of the hospital and looked at him. He looked distractedly at the landscape through the window. I was nervous.

I got out of the car and locked him inside. Upon knowing it, he looked offended again. If I left him to his own, he could do some stupidity... I turned and entered the place. My father was waiting for me, when he saw me he got up and went straight to me. I thought he would scold me for running away, but he hugged me tightly. He looked shattered.

When we parted, he looked at me carefully. "You are very thin..."

"Dad..."

"Yeah, enough." He shut up. I didn't come to hear his reproaches. We sat in a waiting room.

"What... what happened to her?"

"She broke a mirror... She tripped and it crashed..."

"And you think it was an accident?"

"It's better than thinking the other..." We were silent, he took my arm. As if he made sure I didn't run away.

After a while - I don't know how much, because the motion of time is lost in the hospital-, he said:

"I want you to know that your escape hurt me. When I didn't see you at home or answer the calls, I was very scared. I feared something might have happened to you... Then your uncle called and told me that Atsumu wasn't at home. I already tied ends..."

"I told you I would leave one of these days."

"You don't worry a father like that."

"Tell me exactly how many times you worried about us."

"Don't start."

"Tell me."

"Everyday. You are my children, I have never wanted anything bad to happen to you. To you, who I took care of you from minute one..."

"Maybe you didn't want to, but you allowed it. Why didn't you take her to the psychiatric on time? Atsumu could have been saved... And me too."

"I couldn't. She wasn't violent with me, we could live well together. I helped her to adapt, to socialize, and to live a normal life... She had her oddities, but I learned to know her. And, without counting the abandonment to which he subjected you at birth, she looked so happy with Atsumu..."

"And after that?"

"Look at her now, Osamu... She has hurt herself because she now realizes what she is doing. She doesn't want a bedridden life with medications. She is unhappy... No one likes to be sick."

I was going to add something, but Dad interrupted me.

"Stop talking and listen to me for once." I kept quiet. "Put yourself in my place. She is the woman I love the most, my better half... How can I condemn her?   
Don't you understand that I'm in a dead end? Think, what would you do in my place, if your partner were so bad?"  
Tsumu... Tsumu was wrong. I was taking care of him day after day, no matter what. I was sacrificing my life for him... Atsumu didn't want to ask for help, because he knows it. He knows he's bad... And nobody likes to be sick.

I got up immediately, my father didn't have time to stop me. I lacked the air and if I was still there, I would pass out. I ran to the exit, outside I took a big breath. But I was still shaking a lot. I needed to sit or I'd fall. I didn't want to have to hurt myself again to calm down...

Tsumu saw me from the car, but he couldn't get out; I locked him up. Sobbing, I went over there, sat down, closed the door and burst into tears.

"What's wrong? I heard him ask. What did he said?"

"Tsumu... Tsumu I know it's not too late." I sobbed again. "Please, let's get help now that we can." Please save yourself..."

"Samu..."

"I don't want to be Dad! I don't want you to be Mom..."

I don't remember when I stopped crying, I think I fell asleep without avoiding it.

I woke up in my brother's arms, in the back seats of the truck. We hadn't moved from the hospital, Tsumu didn't drive. He looked at me worried, but said   
nothing to me. I stayed there for a while longer with him. For once, I would enjoy being protected.

"You good?" He asked me later. I shook my head. Sleep had gone well, but I still felt dejected. "You want to talk?"

"No, I need something strong and hot to wake up." I looked at him, waiting for an upturned comment, but there wasn't.

"Black coffee without sugar," he said. "I'll pick you up, stay here."

"I can go."

"Let yourself be pampered." He caught me off guard and I blushed. He kissed me on the forehead and left. I sat up, feeling the fresh air in my face with the window down.

Atsumu came after a while with my coffee. He opened the door, but stood outside, I kept drinking inside. He was somewhat quiet, but not for being offended as before. Then he got nervous, it seemed he wanted to tell me something but he didn't dare. Or he was ashamed.

"Go on, say it" I said at the end. I made room for him in the car and he sat next to me.

"Dad told you something bad?"

"No, well... I noticed things." We fell silent again, this time Atsumu looked at me questioningly. "Tsumu, listen... I have the feeling that we are reliving the story of our parents, but more... darker. I love you, and I suffer so much to see you like this. But I'm not doing anything for you... like dad."

"That's not true. You are the only one who can make me sleep without nightmares.

"Yes, but... I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to go crazy like mom and end up like her."

"I-I'm not like mom..." His voice faltered. He had also thought about it, but he was afraid to admit it.

"Of course not... because it's still early. We can still find a solution to this, at least so you stop drinking. You..., y-you're not well, Atsumu. You couldn't stop thinking about drinking, right? That's why you're always so nervous, or you get defensive, or you answer badly. I think if you were able to leave that, we would both do well. You could improve, and I would be calmer. Please, Tsumu... If something happens to you again, I die."  
Atsumu didn't look at me, he kept his eyes fixed on the floor. Even if he said nothing, I knew he was thinking about it. I was sure that if he admitted his instability and realized that he needed a good push, everything would be better. Alcoholism had seriously damaged him in everything, and if we take away that weight then he would recover.

"It's okay... I'll try," he replied. He leaned on my shoulder. "Only if you do it too."  
"Why me?"  
"Because you're not good either. You can't be fine after all this, and I want to do it with you. Together, like always..."

 

 

We slept a little longer in the van. Tsumu had no nightmares and I wasn't feeling so beaten anymore. We decided to make the shopping there because it was less expensive than in Tokyo, so we loaded the van with bags from the supermarket. Tsumu made three tantrums because he wanted dessert stuff. It was like shopping with a three year old...

"Come on, Samu. At least one of those custards. You like them too. Come on, come on, come on."

"Enough. Go get them, go, but make them the cheapest, do you understand?" He didn't listen to me, he was already running towards the supermarket. "White label, do you hear me?!"

Nothing, Tsumu left.

I sighed. With two salaries, we weren't as drowned as before but we weren't rich either. It didn't hurt to save, although I was dying to eat that pudding... Dad was right, I had lost weight by rationing my meals so much and I was just gaining weight now. It wouldn't hurt...

I was with things, tidying up the bags and noticing that there was nothing fragile below everything.

"Osamu..." I heard. It wasn't my brother, he didn't have that voice and he called me more Samu than anything else... I turned.

It was Professor Abe.

I almost dropped a bag on the floor, but I held on to it so much that I think something broke, luckily it was nothing liquid. But I soon recovered from the surprise, I couldn't show myself like that in front of him. I did it before, and I couldn't return to it, to that humiliation...

"What do you want...?"

"I heard you were gone."

"Matters unimportant to you," I felt proud. His presence there didn't bother me... Well, it really did, but I wouldn't let him see that. The wound that he left me was deep, sometimes the pain still reborn, but I was better than that.

"It was you and your brother who broke my car, wasn't it?" He said, with his eyes fixed on me. I stared at him. "I didn't know you were so immature."

"I was 14 years old, but I think you forgot it completely. Have you already married your fiancée?"

"No, we broke up later," he admitted. "Now you are of age, right?"

"If you're going to propose what I think you'll say, forget it. I don't want anything with you."

"I was the only one who stand you then, and surely the only one who would do it now."

I should have answered him, shut him up or hit him on the damn face. But I kept quiet. It was true, right? Only my brother could stand me... No one would want a serious relationship with me. If I didn't have Atsumu, I'd be alone. Not even my mother loved me, how would someone else want me? I lowered my head, and my silence was interpreted as acceptance. The teacher moved towards me.

He stayed in front of me, and stroked my cheek. With his thumb, he touched my lower lip.

"I might not like you as you did, but what is certain is that I had a good time with you." He leaned toward me. Now we weren't separated by many centimeters in height, so he didn't need to bend down much. He approached my ear. "Why don't you stay in Hyogo one more time...?"

I didn't answer, it had blocked me. If Atsumu hadn't appeared, I would have given up. 

"What are you doing?!" I heard him scream. He stood between us and gave him a push to get him away from me. "What do you want?!"

"We were talking."

"You were talking, my ass. Get away from him."

"If he didn't want to, he would have turned away."

I didn't look at them. Atsumu was furious, and the professor had become cocky. They couldn't stand each other, after that day when he confused him with me.

"Don't try anything, do you understand? Leave him alone!" Atsumu exclaimed, dangerously approaching the professor. "He doesn't want anything with you."

"How are you so sure?"

"Keep talking like that and I'll fuck the shit up of you"

"Tsumu..."

"Shut up, Samu. I fix this once and for all."

"It's a shame," the professor said. "With the pretty face you have, you could be as good as your brother if you didn't bark so much."

That was the straw that broke the glass. Tsumu burst out of anger and struck him in the face. The thing didn't end there, the professor returned it and the two went into battle.

"Tsumu, stop it!" I interfered, but they were like crazy dogs, they didn't pay attention to reasons.

People stopped to see them without doing anything. I tried to pull my brother and get him out of there but I didn't get much. Someone called the police.

They were taken to the hospital and when they were cured, we had to go to the police station.

"Tsumu, that... It wasn't good."

"I know, it's problematic. But I don't regret it, he deserved a good hit on the face."

"It wasn't worth it."

"Yes, he deserved it. If I hadn't appeared, you would have been fucked in the car itself. You know what he did to you in the past, don't repeat it again."

"I... You're right but... I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter, I gave him his due."

I took him by the hand. Actually, I thanked him for separating us. I couldn't fall... But he didn't have the feeling of winning anything either. I was afraid... The professor could denounce Atsumu, and it didn't suit us right now.

I was not mistaken...

"Osamu," the professor called me. "Come."

"Eat shit" Tsumu released. I held him tightly.

"I want to talk to you alone, civilly. As adults."

I looked at my brother. I didn't have them all, but the teacher was serious. Maybe he wanted to apologize or something... I got up.

"Be careful," Tsumu told me, fearing just like me.

"Don't worry" I went with the teacher and we moved away from the room. "And good?"

"I'm going to denounce your brother," he said without further ado.

"No, please..." He shut me up with a finger in my mouth. Then he caressed me and gave me a chill.

"I won't do it unless you do something for me."

"What do you want...?" When I saw his face, I understood immediately. "Don't..."

"I am willing to forgive and forget it. If you don't, I will denounce it and I doubt that some newly independent and starving children want to face that. I'm wrong?"

He was right... We couldn't afford that. Tsumu would have problems if he denounced him. If we wanted to solve our problems and live better, being in this situation would be harmful.

I nodded.

"I knew you'd accept, you're a good boy..."

Then he kissed me. He opened a side door, which led to a bathroom. I guess he already had it planned. He closed the door and there, in a dirty bathroom, it happened again...

This time, I didn't like it at all.

He didn't even say goodbye, I leaned against the wall and he left without further ado. I stood in front of the mirror and dared to look at myself. Thin, haggard, humiliated and disgusted... I began to tremble, and in the end I arched and vomited in the sink, of the pure disgust I felt. I coughed and sobbed. I covered my mouth but my tears were already loud. I put my hands to my head, pulled my hair, scratched myself. I screamed with all my might and punched the mirror. I continued like this again and again, feeling the crystals getting embedded in the skin. I felt no pain... Only suffering. I dropped to the ground, and there I cried and cried, and cried more. Nothing could calm me down, not even my brother's arms. I totally lost consciousness.


	24. Sentenced

When I started to get concious, I was in an emergency room. They had given me painkiller and healed the wounds of my hands. I had trouble moving, I was too dejected. Atsumu was next to me, when he saw me awake he stroked my hair.

"We had to take you to the emergency room, you couldn't stop..." he explained. I sobbed. "Easy, here you are safe."

He got into bed and hugged me. I hid my face in his chest, although the scratches there made me stung a little. I needed it.

"What did he do to you? The last thing I know about you, you went with him and then I heard you scream. What did he do?" I hugged him more.

"He said... He said he would give you up if I didn't..."

"What?!" He exclaimed, sitting up. "I kill him! I know where he lives."

"No, Tsumu." I pulled him from the shirt and laid him on the bed. I curled up again. "A complaint is a big problem. I couldn't allow it..."

"We could have done something else, not selling yourself."

"I didn't know what else to do..." I sobbed again.

"Shh," he muttered, soothing. "We're going to report him."

"I left him do it, Tsumu... It won't do any good."

"We'll say he coerced you. And also that you had sex when you were a child. That will be too much to proclaim him innocent. He deserves it. He deserves his life to be ruined as he did with yours.

"What if it doesn't work out?"

"We will insist." We will ask Dad for help, if necessary, in case he knows any lawyer.

"No, not Dad... I don't want to tell him that."

"Why? If we have the help of another adult, we will do better with the police.

"Don't you understand it? I don't want to relive that... It's very humiliating..." my voice broke.

"None of that is your fault." He said, very serious. "You were 14, he was 35. He was responsible for his actions and deceived you."

"I shouldn't have fallen in love with him... He's right, who would love me...?"

"I love you!"

"Is not the same..."

"Of course not, I wouldn't do what he did. I love you... I do love you. And I want to always be with you, and if I could have my mind sane, take care of you. You will not go through this again... I promise you that I will improve and take care of you for all these years that you have been doing with me."

I cried again, in his arms, but at least this time it didn't give me any attacks. Tsumu could calm me down.

My father came after a few hours. I didn't want to see him, so it was up to Atsumu to talk to him. I asked him not to do it in front of me, I didn't want to hear it. They left the room and by the time they returned to me the nurses had already discharged me. Dad came over to help me get up, because I was still somewhat tired. I look at him. I dared to do it. Suddenly, I saw him so aged... And he hugged me tightly.

"We're going to solve this..." he promised. I trembled. How many promises he had broken? I needed solid support. If my father failed me again now, I would   
collapse. "We're going home."

"Dad..."

"You're not going to drive like that. Stay home and rest. Eat a little, you can stay there perfectly while... Well, meanwhile. Mom won't come home yet."

I looked at Tsumu. Going back to that house for me was something important, for him even more. He would return to the place where he was terribly damaged. I didn't know if he could take it, but he nodded.

"Come on..."

We left the hospital, my father took me by the arm and Tsumu hovered around wanting to take me. In the end, he stood still.

It was hard for us to cross the house threshold. I felt strange, I no longer belonged there but I was returning to it. It was as if the house welcomed me cheerfully for seeing me again but cold for having distanced myself. I noticed Tsumu's hand clinging to the bottom of my jacket. For him, it gave him a welcome full of terror. I replaced the jacket with my hand, and we entered together.

We had dinner in our room. Our? The old one... It wasn't ours anymore, even though the bunk bed was still there. Normally, an ordinary person would remember childhood memories when they returned to their old room... but our memories weren't exactly beautiful. We were going back to the lion's den... but at least the lion wasn't there, now.

That night, I didn't sleep. Whenever I managed to close my eyes, I felt his hands on me, his breath in my ear and his whispering, telling me I couldn't refuse. What if everything went wrong? If in the end they didn't believe me and declared him innocent... Would he come after me? Would he do something to me? Would he denounce Tsumu? I was afraid of a man who I had loved so much. Someone with whom I had felt protected, now made me shiver...

"Samu..." I heard whisper next to me. It was obvious that he didn't sleep either "You're shaking."

"I can't..." I felt him turn towards me, his arms immediately surrounding me. "We're going to put him in jail, there's no doubt about that."

"It isn't? What if it doesn't work out?"

"Then I kill him." He rested his forehead against mine and I closed my eyes. "He has committed two crimes, one now and the other when you were 14 years old.   
Something we will get out of this."

"Why, Tsumu, are you going to pursue criminal law now?"

"Pff, no, what a horror. I couldn't do it. For me, I would take him by the neck and print his head against the judge's table."

"Yes, that's more of your style..."

The next morning we went to report him. My father got a lawyer, and I talked to him alone. It was enough to have to repeat it again, so that my father would listen to me. I never wanted to explain it to him. Tsumu had already done it. And the less they remind me of that, the better.

The judicial proceedings are terribly long, so we stayed in Hyogo. When Mom was discharged, we went to the apartment where Tsumu lived for a period of time before we left. My father didn't object to anything, but he made us promise that we would meet more often for the course of the case. That was no problem, really. My father was finally helping. The thing was that we were there again, without a job because when we didn't know when we would return, our respective companies didn't want us so much time out. When we return to Tokyo, we should start over...

I saw Professor Abe every time we met for the case. My lawyer was responsible for leaving enough space for me not to be overwhelmed, but sometimes our eyes met. He was mad at me, I knew it the first time he looked at me. Whenever the teacher stared at me, my father stood by my side, covering me. He and Tsumu looked back at him, even angrier than he was. I noticed Tsumu restraining himself so as not to go after him and break his head. That would be problematic, I didn't want my brother to enter prison. I wouldn't bear it.

To distract himself, Tsumu began to repair cars on request. He had already learned with the van, so he used to fix old engines to give them a few more years of life, and soon he did it with newer cars. He looked happy with that, doing some profit. I stayed at home, I didn't feel like going out. I knew perfectly well that I should do it, because we would have to leave and I needed a new job, but for the moment I stayed in bed trying to sleep in vain. I had a hard time keeping up with sleep.

A horrible fear still dragged me. The professor was upset, if he was convicted, he might retaliate against me, or Tsumu... I wished my story was strong enough to take him out of my life for at least a couple of years. May everything return to normal for me and Tsumu. If we wanted to improve our lives, we had to shed all evil. And the teacher had become my primary fear at that time.

The day of the sentence arrived. He was convicted of having relations with a child under 16, even though I allowed it. At age 14, you don't think consciously, and I got rid of guilt. There was neither violence nor forced me, so his sentence was shortened to three years in prison and disqualification as teacher of nursery, primary and secondary schools. With the current case it was a bit more complicated. There were no testimonies, and didn't object. They were able to get the test at the hospital that I was in a panic after meeting with him -Atsumu corroborated it-, but they also didn't mark it as a rape because he didn't force me or hurt me. The lawyer considered a case of sexual abuse, with a clear subordination on my part for being superior to me. There his argument declined a little, because I was tall and even passed him a few centimetres, but they considered my weight low then. He was guilty to three more years for sexual abuse, so, at most, he would be six years old.

Six years without his presence.

"Samu, we made it! He'll rots in jail" my brother seemed more excited than me, I still didn't know how to digest it.

"He won't touch you again," my father said. I didn't look at him. I was embarrassed to look at my father after that. He patted my shoulder. "Let's eat something, I invite you where you want."

"Big and greasy hamburgers!" Atsumu suggested.

"I want sushi."

"Burgers and sushi?"

"Two things at once, no, guys," Dad asked. We looked at him almost pleading. "Well, let's do something. We eat hamburgers and then, for dinner, we order sushi." 

"Perfect" we answer at the same time. Since we returned to Hyogo and our father visited us often, we had gained weight by eating more normal. We had to take advantage, before returning to the savings routine in Tokyo.

After dinner, we went to the apartment. I thought that maybe today I could sleep peacefully since the teacher had stopped being a problem. While putting on my pyjamas, Tsumu threw himself on the bed and waited for me. He had to shake his tail to look like a puppy. A big puppy. When I sat down, he hugged me and leaned on my shoulder.

"Sometimes, you get very annoying," I said, patting his head.

"They're just hugs, Samu, don't be dour." He scrubbed a little. He raised his head and kissed me. I noticed that he had been wanting to do it for a while, perhaps since the sentence was discovered. He had been excited all day and now, finally alone, he wanted to show it.

But I just let him kiss. When I noticed that he wanted more, I separated. There was something inside me that made me reject it, even though I had already slept with him in previous times. I simply couldn't.

"Samu, I won't hurt you," he whispered. I hugged him as an apology, but we didn't kiss again.

"I'm sorry. Now I don't feel like it…” Tsumu snuggled up.

"And I understand, but... You can't let that son of a bitch win. You are worth more than him, you cannot collapse now... I wanted you to be free and I want you to be well..."

"I try... but I need some time. It's still very recent..."

"He screwed you well, but we screwed him. Six years in prison will make him think twice before messing with my brother." I leaned on his head. "We're going to get a decent life, Samu. Now, yes..."

That night I could sleep more than I expected.


	25. Encounter of Destiny

This time, we said goodbye to dad. He told us that, if we needed money, that he could lend us something from time to time, but that we wouldn't rob him again. When we returned to Tokyo, we felt that our lives began again. This time, but, it was Atsumu who did better. He was the first to find a job, he was in a car workshop and he looked happy with that. I, for the moment, didn't get anything. Tsumu was also the first to face his problems. He met with a group every Wednesday and Saturday to talk. At first, he was uncomfortable, but he discovered that he wasn't doing so badly either. I was glad that my brother could be saved. As for me, it apparently everything was so hard. I had a hard time finding a professional to trust, but I knew it was a matter of time. I promised myself that I would look for someone as soon as I got a job.

A few weeks later, we began to consider changing of home. It was something absolutely crazy considering our economic situation, but we didn't like the neighbourhood. Too many robberies, and noises down the street. A neighbour’s car was robbed. To another, they entered the house and took everything away. It was like a pool, and we didn't want it to be us. Even so, we knew that the possible transfer would take a long time to arrive. We just had to wait for nothing to happen while we waited.

Until in the end, it happened.

I had finally got a job as a cashier in a supermarket. I was somewhat away from home, so I took the car. One night, when I left work, just when I had parked and got out of the car, a group of people came to me. I suspected immediately, in that neighbourhood it wasn't a very good sign. And I wasn't mistaken, they immediately surrounded me. They wanted the car.

"Give us the key," threatened one, getting close.

"I'm not going to do it." Maybe they were more people than me, maybe they were stronger than me, but nobody steals me.

"Don't be brave here, huh, or we cut you whole," one released, showing his razor.

"You are not going to steal my car." I closed the door and advanced. I hadn't taken three steps because they pulled my clothes and threw me on the floor.

I defended myself as much as I could, but there were more and remember that I was still recovering from a time of eating badly, so my attempts to return the blows were in vain. They beat me everywhere, both punches and kicks. And luckily they didn't use the knife, because I could say goodbye to this life of shit. They left me lying around and stole my key. Then they left with the truck.

"Samu, you're late and I've had dinner without you," said my brother, when I got home. Soon he fell silent, because he saw me almost crawling. He came running   
and held me, to take me to the couch. "What happened to you!?"

"They've taken the car..." I muttered, my face hurt a lot when I spoke.

"Have you been docked?! Let me see if you're okay" nervous, Tsumu stripped me of my clothes to check the wounds. My body hurt horrors, but at least they hadn't nailed me something. "We should take you to the hospital, you look very bad Samu..."

"No, it doesn't matter..." I winced.

"It matters! I take you, hold on to me."

With insistence, Tsumu took me to the emergency room and there my wounds healed. Most blows became annoying bruises, but I had nothing serious except a dislocated shoulder. Soon they sent me home with painkillers, and Tsumu made me the bed.

"I tried to defend myself, but..."

"How are you going to defend yourself, Samu? Those guys can even kill you. Mr. Takaishi, the one from the second B, they stuck a knife in his liver, remember?"  
"I couldn't let them take the car. But they have..."

"Don't worry, my boss has one for the workers. I can use it to move, I don't need it. And you, for sure you will have a bus or train stop. It's Tokyo, there are many people without a car because everything is well connected."

"Maybe yes, but it’s still annoying..."

"Well... now rest a little. Do you want a little pudding?" He said, ready to pamper me again. I nodded, for this time I would allow him.

I asked for a few days off, and then returned to work. Although they let me do less hours and less hard work, because my shoulder had to rest still, but anyway I did something. I would not bear to stay in bed without doing anything when I can move. Now, our priority was, more than ever, to save and move. We didn't want to continue living in that neighbourhood, but the problem was that we had chosen it precisely because it was the cheapest we found. Then, we had to save even more than before. Instant noodle soups returned in our lives. We showered together to save water (although there were no complaints about that). We take out the flashlights to not use so much light. And our stomachs roared again. But we knew that, when we moved, things would change and we could live well again.

 

How could I not relate that encounter? It was the one that most marked our lives, honestly. The day I met them, I was waiting at the train station. I had to take a 20-minute trip and then get on a bus for 15 minutes. Then, walk about 10 more. It was the most practical to go to work.

I was absorbed looking at the tracks, when I heard them in the background. The railroad passed through the middle of the neighbourhood, the station was hardly distinguishable from the rest of the street, so it was a usual step.

"We should have left him some," said one.

"I didn't like that place."

"We'll have to get used to anything, we need money."

"Yes, but it gave me a bad feeling. I prefer other types of places."

"We should have got money first, before the apartment. Now we can't pay!"

"I found a nice one, and you pay me that way! I won't look for anything again, you manage it yourself, Kageyama!

 

"Very good."

They stayed by my side, waiting for the train to arrive. The tallest one, with black hair, had a bundle of rolled papers jutted out of his backpack. The shortest, orange-haired, had a folder in his arms, pressed against his chest. Today was a windy day, so he held it tightly so as not to drop any.  
But that didn't help, because the wind suddenly became enraged and the papers flew everywhere.

"Ah, my CV!" he exclaimed, trying to collect them all. It was impossible, he wore many. I looked at them because the redhead was moving a lot, too close to the tracks. And, in the end, he tripped and fell.

Instinctively I took him by the arm before he slammed into the ground. He hung up, and I climbed him up. He was small, so it wasn't hard to lift him.

"Hinata, dumbass, it's the third time you've fallen..."

"Oh... thanks," he said, embarrassed.

"Be careful, you never know when the train is coming."

"Oh yes, okay," he straightened and then smiled. "Are you from Tokyo?"

"Well, I've been living here for a few months."

"It works for us. Won't you know somewhere where they look for new workers? We want to live here from September, but..."

"I don't know if I'm the best one, I've had a job recently. I guess there will be offers somewhere."

"Can you give this to your bosses? Just in case..." he handed me one of the crumpled sheets that had fallen out. "It's our resume! That looks professional, doesn't it? Kageyama, give him yours too."

"I think it would be more professional if it wasn't wrinkled..." I suggested.

"I already told him not to carry it, to keep it in a backpack," said the dark-haired guy, who was supposed to be Kageyama.

"Well, it's not that you carry it precisely well-kept," I pointed to the sheets protruding from his backpack.

"Ha! You aren't better!" the redhead teased.

"Since you intend to live here," I said. "if you know of some cheap apartment, it could be good for me.

"Uh... Well, we've found something. Oh, in fact, I think the apartment next door is for rent, or something like that!"

"Really?"

"Yes. We called this number for the rental" he began to dig in his pockets and in the small bag he carried. He became impatient not finding what he was looking for, and sat on the floor to get everything out of the bag. In the end, he pulled out a half-torn paper. "Here, we call here. You can try, see if they know anything."

"I'll try..."

"Great! Ah, we better cross now that the train is not coming. Come on, Kageyama..." He turned to me. "Goodbye!"

"Goodbye."

And he smiled at me.

After a couple of days, I called the number listed. Apparently, they had no idea about the apartment for rent, but they handed me another number that could be useful to me. It also didn't help me and they passed me with another. I was about to give up, but in the end I found the landlord. It took me a couple of weeks to finish negotiating the price, but in the end we got an agreement. In July, we could move if everything went well. Although we would run out of money, because it was worth everything saved. We would have to tighten our belts again.

Likewise, we were both still working, so it wasn't a tricky business either. I had finally found a specialist who could help me, so I assumed that everything would be better.

I received the monthly payment as pure gold. It's not that my work is something very physical like Tsumu's, but it was heavy. But at least they paid me better than the motel where I worked before. In the supermarket, I just had to endure the comments of seventy-year-old ladies about how handsome I was...  
While I waited for my boss to specify a couple of things, I thought about them. I thought it was a fleeting encounter like any other, but there I was remembering them. It had been a while since we met, so maybe they would have already found a job. Or maybe not. They looked somewhat naive, even children out of high school... Would we have looked like this? I don't think so, we were already coming up with the idea of starting a new life, they were barely understanding how complicated it was.

Why did I thought of them? They weren't the first people looking for work. And maybe there were more qualified people to work here. In fact, I knew someone from the apartment block who was also looking for something. Why them? Maybe it was seeing the red-haired boy... he looked excited to do something. And who was I, to take away that emotion?

And again, what did I have to care about him?

Anyway, I ended up asking the boss if there was any gap. At least, for one of the two.

So, in a couple of weeks I saw them again. They had arranged an interview to see if they fit. The two were somewhat tense, but the redhead kept moving from here to there. He looked like a child... I wasn't sure how old he was. I mean, it would be illegal to give a job to a work... I had half an hour off, so I waited nearby. I didn't care at all, but... Well, there I was.

After a while, the two left the room.

"They have accepted us!" exclaimed the redhead, jumping everywhere. Apparently, He would be a cashier like me and the other one, being taller and stronger, had been sent to the warehouse. "You're in a cash register too, right?

I nodded and he jumped again, very happy.

"Oh, did you get the flat?" He asked expectantly.

"Yes. In a week, we move there."

"Well, we made it!" and prepared his hand to collide with mine. It seemed that he took my victory as his and, well, I ended up corresponding to the gesture. He smiled again.

Our schedules coincided with being in the same job, so we left at the same time. Hinata told me that he would stay to wait for Kageyama to leave, because he would surely be lost. I had to leave now, because I had to take the bus and a train but I waited. Well thought out, he looked like a child who anyone could get too close.

I was just being a good co-worker.

"Saaaamuuuu!" I heard a voice too familiar. Although it was practically impossible, because Tsumu didn't work there. On the second, I got my answer. He greeted me on a motorcycle. "Are you going anywhere, honey...?"

"What the fuck are you doing with a motorcycle?" I interrupted.

"I've assembled it by myself, with spare pieces left over in the workshop. Isn't she pretty? Since it's too late, I thought about using it to pick you up." Then, he paid attention to Hinata. "Late night and away from home, kid?"

"I-I'm 18 years old!" he defended himself. Both Tsumu and I dropped an "Ohh" upon discovering it.

"It's Hinata, he's my new co-worker."

"And soon we will be neighbours," he added.

"Oh, sounds good... Well, then, do you get on?"

"We were waiting for another partner to come out..."

"Hey..." Kageyama greeted, who was leaving just then.

"And he's already here." I informed. I approached my brother and got on the bike. I wasn't sure, of course, but I didn't feel like walking at night either. "See you tomorrow."

"Goodbye, future neighbours," Tsumu said goodbye, and started the motorcycle.


	26. Fun

And, it turned out that our new neighbours were loud. Well, saying only loud was being soft. They could be heard at any time. Hinata always had a loud voice, and despite the fact that Kageyama looked like a quiet boy, he often made shouts that were heard from here to China. Tsumu had a great time when we heard them arguing.

Once we heard them argue again, and Tsumu laughed. What we didn't expect was them to come knocking at our door. I opened, I found Kageyama very moody.

"You know about cars, don't you?" I shook my head and pulled away, that was my brother. Atsumu approached curiously. "I got a second-hand car."

"And it's a mess!" Hinata exclaimed, appearing from behind.

"It isn't, it just goes a little slow. Can you come check it out?"

"Yeah." Atsumu shrugged and we left the house. Hinata stayed by my side, complaining all the time, although I already disconnected. If I kept listening, I would be deaf.

We arrived at the parking lot and Tsumu watched the car. He didn't need to check it.

"They've scammed you, it's a useless thing."

"See?!"

"Shut up idiot! Then what do I do...? Will I sell it again?"

"Nope, nobody would buy it for you. Apparently, only you have been tricked." Kageyama deflated. "But, maybe with some arrangements and something better would work for you."

"Really? You can do it?""

"Hey, uh, nothing is done here for free." Kageyama deflated again. "But I can teach you how to fix it. The car is yours, after all."

"Would you do it?"

"Yeah."

So, they spent the hottest afternoons there in the parking lot. It is necessary to say that it was an open air parking, reason why they faced the sun and they returned home very red. However, they were entertained. I saw them from the balcony, and from there I heard Atsumu laugh. It was not very common to see him having fun with someone, it was really endearing. Atsumu said that Kageyama was serious, but it was a lot of fun to bother him.

"Wow, I'm bored," Hinata muttered. It had become a habit for him to come home while my brother and Kageyama were away. "They have a great time and we are watching here. You know what? We will do something more fun than theirs."

"What are you thinking of?"

"You'll see, come," he guided me to his house. He looked in a plastic bag and took out a smaller one, full of water balloons. "I bought them especially to play, but Kageyama ignores me."

"Water balloons...?"

"What's wrong? It's fun. There is no age for fun." defended, while taking a bucket.

"I can discuss it perfectly."

"Come on, haven't you ever played?" I didn't answer, but he understood it. "No!? We'll do it now! Go Go."

He took me by the wrist and started running. We went out to the parking lot, it was a large stretch of land that you could run and play freely. In addition, it was still summer so many neighbours were on vacation outside the city. There were only a couple or three cars left. Hinata was laughing as soon as he stepped on the ground. He let me go and ran to a wall where there was a threaded hose. He filled the bucket with water and began to prepare the balloons. I stood there, I had no idea playing water wars because you can't say I had a super happy childhood, so...

I waited for him while looking at Atsumu and Kageyama a couple of meters further. Tsumu was showing him something inside the hood and Kageyama looked a bit lost. Hinata appeared shortly after, carrying the bucket full of water. He could hardly take it without spilling the water inside. He set the bucket on the floor and approached me.

"Shhh, look closely," he whispered. He took a balloon filled with water and we gradually approached the two of the car. Hinata giggled and threw the balloon at them.

It failed. Not even a drop of water reached them, but it served to get their attention. The two looked at the pool of water, then at us. Hinata hid behind me, at the same time that Kageyama sat up.

"Hinata, dumbass..." he muttered. And he began to approach.

"Kageyama, leave the wrench!" Hinata shouted. Luckily, he listened to him and exchanged it for a balloon. Afterwards, Hinata started running while Kageyama chased after him.

"What are you doing?" Asked Tsumu approaching.

"Apparently, it seems funny," I said. I looked at my brother, who was laughing at the persecution of the two boys. He was distracted... so I took a balloon and blew it up above his head. It soaked him. "Samu!"

And we started our own water war. After a while, Hinata and Kageyama joined us and we were all four throwing the balloons. Neither I nor Tsumu had participated in one, but we found it fun. I think I never had such a good time...

"You're crossing a line, here," I said, when Hinata had just thrown a balloon at my arm.

"Come for me!" he shouted, elated. He was the one who had more fun. I took a couple of balloons and approached.

But a stream of water stopped us. Tsumu laughed while wetting us with the hose. He also had a great time.

"Miya-san, that's not fair," said Kageyama, and he get a good spurt in his face.

"I'm sorry, Tobio, you seemed too dry!"

"After him, boys!" I said, and they both joined me. Tsumu left the hose and started running, with us behind. Tsumu slipped with a puddle and fell to the ground. It was our great opportunity to throw ourselves and catch him. "You have lost!"

"Yes, give up!" Hinata exclaimed.

"Now it's fair!" Kageyama added.

And we laughed, like the children we could never be.

Seeing them every day became an unshakable routine. None were home alone. Atsumu came to pick us all up after work in a car borrowed from his workshop. He loved to ride a motorcycle, but we didn't fit all four at once. Our lonely lives had been adapted with two loud and restless people. Sometimes, it was like having children. Hinata and Kageyama were dragged into Atsumu's nonsense and someone had to put a brake on them. I would like to join and laugh for a while but let's say I was convinced that I was responsible for the group and had to stop them. 

Those two were good friends because they made us good company.


	27. Closed heart

Every Friday we had movie night. It was the day we could afford to buy junk food and every week we took turns in hosting. Today, it was our turn. However, although we really wanted to, we still had to spend the workday.

It was about five minutes before finishing, Hinata was eager to leave. But the joy soon died out because the boss came to give us both overtime, because there was inventory. Hey, money was money, but they crushed the plan. Hinata got angry. Kageyama was left alone.

"I'll warn Tsumu, so he doesn't prepare things. He is going to eat it all himself..."

I sent him a message. Atsumu asked me about Kageyama, who would be alone at late hours. He was our friend, but I had never seen Atsumu worry about anyone else.

"He says he will come to pick you up with the motorcycle, wait at the door."

"Okay."

He went to the door, and Hinata and I entered the supermarket again.

"Damn, our movie night is ruined," Hinata complained, with an adorable pout.

Adorable?

"We can do it tomorrow."

"Mmm, it's true," he said, suddenly ceasing to be angry.

Before entering the warehouse, I saw that Atsumu had arrived and was chatting with Kageyama. It seemed from afar that Tsumu enjoyed his company, perhaps because of the fact that Kageyama was quite quiet if we put aside the attacks of anger against Hinata. I watched him laugh and make jokes, even though Kageyama wasn't the type who caught them or laughed with them. Atsumu might need someone like that, to listen to him but without needing to answer everything he says. Who knows?

What I do know is that seeing them like this left me with a strange feeling. I liked Kageyama, but for some reason my heart skipped or my mood changed when he was close to Atsumu. Atsumu had the right to make friends, I didn't understand why I reacted that way. As if he was taking him away from me...

"Help me! I heard Hinata's voice. "I can't deal with everything..."

I turned and saw him carrying three full cardboard boxes, he was about to succumb to the weight. I smiled a little and put one on the floor. The other, I loaded it.

"Don't do it all at once, or we'll end up having more work."

"I just thought I could. Look at my arms, they are strong" Hinata flexed both arms, but nothing happened.

"Oh, look at this, what a nice pair of chopsticks," I scoffed.

"Don't be cruel!" he complained. "You make fun of me because I'm short, right?"

"No one has said that but since you say that... When was the last time you grew up? At ten years old?"

"At sixteen I grew another inch!" he defended himself. "Besides, I can jump very high. I think that in my past life I was a hanger jump champion."

"Yeah right. But you are living this life, now. Do you also jump?"

That hadn't been a joke, because I was intrigued to know what he planned to do in the future. Hinata looked like the kind of guy who has big dreams, something I never got to have, so I was curious.

"I'll be a rap singer!"

I laughed. He always managed to do it, one way or another.

"You don't look like a rapper."

"It's because I don't have my caps, but don't worry. I will buy a nice pair."

"I would say you also lack the voice."

"I'm still growing..." again, he pouted. “And you? A lot of laughing at me, but you never talk about yourself."

"I have no idea what I will do. I guess I'll keep working and that's it."

"And that's it? That's so boring! Just work, work... You already speak like a 50-year-old man. I don't know, there are so many things you can do... How about to parachute! Or go on an expedition to the Amazon! Or pet lions!"

"I'd say that's what you want."

"Yes, it's true, but I only gave you examples. Is there anything that catches your attention?"

There wasn't. Throughout my life so far, I had focused on taking care of my mother and my brother at the same time. I hadn't had time to consider what to do in the future; if I study, if I travel the world, if I join an NGO and these things. They didn't let me do it, practically. I couldn't think about myself, because they recriminated me.

"Don't worry," said Hinata, guessing my answer. "You can go as a couple on a parachute."

"With the little you must weigh, we will never land."

"Don't start!"

"Hey, you two," exclaimed our boss. "Stop fooling around and get to work now."

The truth was that the hours passed faster if you were in the company of Hinata. He was easily disturbed and always laughing. One way or another, he was contagious in his good mood. Thus, the inventory wasn't as tedious as we imagine. After signing the extra hours we did to get paid, we left the supermarket. The street was lonely and silent except for Hinata's voice. Not even explaining a simple anecdote of high-school could keep the voice low. Upon arriving at our house, I invited him to come.

"Tsumu, I hope you left us something because we are hungry," I said, by way of greeting.

"Too late, we have eaten everything," my brother replied. He was on the couch, next to Kageyama. The two were unusually separated, Atsumu always tried to keep the minimum distance just to disturb him.

"Really?" Hinata said. "Unfair! We were being exploited at work."

"We've left you all the fries," Atsumu said. "When we could have eaten them, because they're the best."

"Oh, look, how kind of you," I said, going to the kitchen to look for those fries. "Oh, they also left ketchup. That's how I like it, brother."

Hinata immediately stood by my side.

He stole a fry that I was going to eat, and laughed shamelessly. But I couldn't let this pass, no one will took my food from my hands! So, I took the whole box and Hinata chased me around the room. Our house was not large, but the difference in height helped a lot. He hadn't lied when he said he was jumping a lot, but he still couldn't take them away.

Suddenly, Kageyama rose from the sofa.

"I think... I'll go home. I am tired and I want to sleep."

It was clearly seen that it was an excuse. The boy was an open book, he couldn't hide his feelings, and now he looked uncomfortable. I didn't know what had happened to him, because when we said goodbye in the supermarket he looked happy. But he wasn't Atsumu, I couldn't easily know what was going on in his head. We didn't have time to answer him, Kageyama left home without further ado. Hinata shrugged and took advantage of the distraction to eat more fries.

"I'll ask him later what's wrong."

"I'll go to sleep too," said Atsumu. "Don't make much noise."

That was even stranger. Tsumu liked having them at home, but now it seemed he didn't want to know anything about them. Not even about me. Something had happened between him and Kageyama, I concluded. Could they have fought? Kageyama didn't look angry, so maybe it wasn't that. Atsumu noticed my questioning look, and hurried to leave the room.

Something had definitely happened.

 

 

For a few days, Atsumu was very elusive. I was scared if he had returned to the old ways, as not long ago he acted that way. He was hiding me things, I could see it in the elusive look. I feared that for a mistake, we would return to the past that we wanted so much to leave behind. That's why I started watching him. At home there was no trace of alcohol, in our room either. When I kissed him, he smelled nothing dangerous. But with that, I noticed the real problem. When we kissed, Tsumu ended up turning his face or turning away. Which was very rare, because he was always very happy to reciprocate. It was impossible that he had suddenly become shy.

"Tsumu," I said once, trying to know what was happening. "What if on Saturday we are going to have dinner all four?"

"Mnmm… if you want…"

"How enthusiastic you are. Are you tired?" It was a probability. Perhaps his attitude was due to lack of sleep or that he had hard work in the workshop.

"Yes, I'm tired. That's it” he said quickly.

"Is something happening?" He denied. "Tell me."

"I don't want to..."

"I'm worried, you know? You won't be drinking again..."

"I don't!" He replied defensively. "I haven't been drinking for a year, I promise you. But I don't want to say it, Samu... Not you."

"Am I the problem?"

"It's my fault." I came closer, willing to listen. I wouldn't leave him alone until he said it. I knew he would succumb sooner or later. "I... yesterday I told Tobio everything. Everything, everything"

"Oh no..." That's why he was so uncomfortable. Tsumu had told him about us, and nobody reacts well to incest. What if Kageyama told Hinata? My face began to boil with shame.

"It's not what you think, he took it well. Tobio is a good boy" he assured me. "I could be honest sincerely, without hiding anything and... and I felt very good. He just listened to me, without judging me or pitying me. And really, I needed that... It served me more than group therapy. For the first time, I trusted someone more than you..."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"No, that's not bad... I... I kissed him."

I was speechless, mouth open. I don't know why I'm surprised anymore... They both looked good together, laughed and told each other everything. Atsumu needed that in his life... and he set me aside. As usual. I was just there for decoration, to manipulate and destroy as many times as one would like. And I had to be there still, without questioning.

Everyone could do whatever they wanted with me... and then leave me.

"Samu, listen to me..." he said. “I feel very confused with him. I feel so comfortable at his side, I don't know how to explain it."

"Well, starting from not being your brother, I suppose that helped you a lot," I released to him bitterly.

"You know that doesn't matter to me. I love you..."

"No, Tsumu... If you did, you wouldn't have kissed him."

"You have to believe me." he looked confident, but I didn't believe it. "Samu, please, you have to believe me. I'm still in love with you."

"Look... if that were true, you wouldn't be attracted to him. Accept it. You want to be with Kageyama."

"I want to be with both of you!"

"That's impossible..."

"It isn't. I'm sure Tobio wouldn't mind..."

"I do care, you fucking idiot!" I yelled. Atsumu was scared, he didn't like to be yelled at, but I couldn't contain myself. "I'm tired of being the second option!"

"You aren't... this doesn't change what I feel for you."

"Yes, it changes, Atsumu! Because he... he can give you something that I can't. I was your last resort until Kageyama appeared. Well, go with him! Don't put me in your game, I won't forgive you."

"This is not a damn game!" he exclaimed nervously. "Listen to me for once!"

"For once!? I have done everything for you, I have given everything and more of me so that the whole fucking world was fine except me. It's over... I won't tolerate this."

I got up from the couch and left home. I slammed the door before Atsumu came out behind me. In the hall, but, I stopped and burst into tears.

I was beginning to believe that Tsumu really loved me. I was beginning to believe that our thing wasn't a desperate measure, but now I saw it very clearly. Atsumu was with me because, like me, he had no other choice. But now someone appeared who can love him without worries. I had lost him... He could be happy, and I would float lost in the sea. Because there is no one else in the world who could love me. Because the only person I had, had found someone better...  
I didn't realize that my crying was heard quite loudly. The last thought finished breaking me and I felt so alone. No one would come to rescue me. No one would comfort me. Even the therapist couldn't help me, since I couldn't tell him that I also loved my brother... I had a lump in my throat and I almost shouted, but someone interrupted me.

Hinata looked at me puzzled. He had left home when he heard me, perhaps. I couldn't speak, just sob more. Now, the shame also added. Hinata didn't say anything either, but he grabbed my wrist and took me to his house. He closed the door of his bedroom as soon as we entered and I collapsed in bed. My crying hadn't stopped.

I felt Hinata lie beside me, leaning on my back. I had my face buried in the pillow and couldn't see anything, but I knew he was there. He let me vent as much as I wanted, in silence. At least, I could cry without thinking of anything else. In the end, there were only sobs and hiccups left, but at least I didn't feel like screaming anymore. I turned, looking at the ceiling. Hinata was still by my side.

"What's wrong with me...?" I asked.

"Nothing..."

"I fell again... I thought they really loved me, and I totally fell. But I'm just a pastime... There's always someone better..."

"That's not true... If I had someone like you as a boyfriend, it would be fantastic..."

"I'm just a fool. How could I think it would work out...?"

"You are not to blame, if you aren't valued."

"You don't understand it. This was doomed from the beginning, and I trusted myself. I fell in love with my brother." In the end, I let it go." If I had to lose a friend, then so be it. Less disappointments in the future. I couldn't look him in the face. "It's not the only time that happens to me, you know? The whole fucking world in my life has used me and will continue to do so, because I am that dumb."

"I won't, I-I'm your friend..."

"You'll end up doing it. My father used me. My brother uses me. My first love used me at will... Everyone can do it. Take all a piece of Osamu! He won't complain..."

"Can you tell me that...?"

"I don't want to bore you with my shitty life."

"I hear you"

This time, I looked at him. He looked back at me, but with concern. For a few moments, I missed his smile. He was willing to listen to everything, and that felt like a kick in the stomach. He was a good boy, very sweet. What would he do with a friend like me? I didn't deserve it... and still, I told him. All.  
Unlike Atsumu, I didn't feel better telling it. I felt like real shit, at that moment. And just remembering everything, it felt worse. If a pattern was always repeated, it was that there was the same problem over and over again. I mean me. I was the problem of everything.

When I went silent, I heard him crying. Hinata was crying. That caught me off guard.

"It’s very unfair..." he sobbed. “You don't deserve all of that... B-because you're good and... And, good things should happen to you..."

"Don't cry..." I muttered. I didn't know what to do at that time.

"S-sorry..." he sobbed more, wiping his tears. “Kageyama and Atsumu are idiots for doing that to you..."

"Can't you see it, Hinata? I am the problem."

"Of course not! You are not to blame for anything."

"I'm destined to be alone... Who would love me, huh?"

"Hell... I would!" He ended up screaming. We both fell silent.

His face, already red with tears, acquired a stronger hue. It would have seemed nice if I hadn't been in shock at the moment. I sat up, leaning on my elbows. I think my face was worth seeing, because Hinata got a little scared.

"I- Well, I... Y-you are so handsome and... Obviously it's not the only thing I notice!" You're smart and..., and very mature. It makes me a little envious, really, because I am not. People always tell me that I am childish... But you look very cool, so serious...! And... I don't know, I've always felt good around you..."

"They forced me to mature at five years old... Don't flatter it..."

"Yes, I know now... sorry, I couldn't help it. But I do like you a lot, I'm not lying to you."

I looked him straight in the eye, he didn't lie to me. But I couldn't believe it... Hinata was a pure being, but who knows if he turns out to be like everyone else. Someone that promises things that gives me security, and then abandon me... No, I couldn't take the risk. I couldn't fall for the third time. I wouldn't bear it again.

"I'm sorry, but it's time to close my heart... I can't believe you."

"I know you're afraid, I would be too... but I would never hurt you. Believe me that, at least..."

"I'm sorry. I'm tired..."

I lay down again and turned my back. I couldn't keep looking at him, I knew I had hurt him but he had no other. Hinata would find someone much better than me. He deserved it. Atsumu too. Kageyama too... And I deserved to be alone.


	28. Warm, soft and calm

I didn't ask, but I stayed living in that room. I didn't consider who slept there or what I would do now that I had decided to lock myself in there. I didn't feel like going out, and I didn't have anywhere to go because I didn't want to go home and see Atsumu's face. Hinata came and left me food, without talking to me. The first few times he did it, but I didn't answer him so he had already lost interest. I heard him telling me that they had made up an excuse because I didn't go out to work either. I knew that my job was in danger, but I didn't feel like going anywhere.

Atsumu had come by the house to try to talk to me, but I didn't answer him. At least, he didn't enter the room because we could have a problem. It wasn't my room, but I didn't want intruders. I only wanted them to leave me alone. But Tsumu was as persistent in speaking as I was in ignoring him.

"Please listen to me..." I listened again. I just covered my head with a pillow, as if that did something. "You have to believe me."

"I don't want to hear anything coming from you," I finally let go. I heard him sigh.

"Get out of here," this time, Hinata intervened. Normally, we all ignored him until he left.

"Stay out of this," he released. I grunted, tightening the pillow more. I didn't needed them to argue at my door.

"He's in my bedroom"

"And? Are you a watchdog, now?"

"Yes! Leave him alone, you don't have to remember it to him every day."

"It's not reminding him, it's explaining it."

"You don't have to explain anything. What you did is horrible, even Kageyama is sad. You don't care about anyone."

"And what the fuck do you know about what matters to me or not!?"

"If you cared, you wouldn't have done it! Kageyama didn't know anything about you, and just tell him and then kiss him? He don't understand a damn now! You were the only one who knew how badly Osamu had been. You should have stopped, or at least told him that you liked another one before anything else..."

"I will not argue with you."

"Then leave my house." I never thought that someone so small could give those voices. And much less make my brother shut up. A few long minutes passed, until I heard him again. "Don't worry, he's already gone."

That was even weirder. Atsumu could spend hours talking to the door, but in a couple of shouts Hinata had chased him away. I soon felt grateful, because now I could stop thinking for a while.

"I'm going to buy some things... do you want me to bring you something?"

I sighed. I never answered the questions, but I thought that this time he deserved an answer.

"No..." For a moment, I feared he wouldn't have heard it because my voice came out too low. But Hinata didn't ask again or add information, so I assumed he was gone. I removed the pillow from my head and threw it aside.

I was fucked up, honestly. I knew it. I knew perfectly well that I was being like a parasite, because I had occupied another's room and on top of that they had to feed me because I didn't feel like doing it. I only left the room to go to the bathroom, nothing else. Even so, I always tried to do it when they were asleep or there was no one at home, because I didn't want to be seen. My antisocial behaviour made me somewhat dependent, because if Hinata was not day and night coming, I would surely let myself die without further ado.

However, the discussion of which I had been a listener had not left me indifferent. Hinata had defended me almost fighting, and that was quite new in my life. It was always me who picked up the slack of Atsumu, it was always me who had to shut up because if I complained, I received all kinds of reproaches. And now someone has defended me with no hesitation, without having a reason.

I should have been more considerate of that boy. He was good, he deserved a better deal. Or at least thank him for holding a nuisance like me.

I left the room. I waited a while before Hinata returned from shopping, but apparently he hadn't yet returned. I had already lost track of time, so I didn't know if minutes or hours had passed. Apparently, the house was lonely since I didn't hear any noise. I made the move back to the room but my stomach roared. My big appetite hadn't disappeared because Hinata was in charge of bringing me all the meals of the day. I didn't know how long he would take to return, so I went to the kitchen.

There I met Kageyama, following the same idea as me.

We look at each other in silence. I saw him tense, and lower his head. He looked embarrassed. Ashamed of what? It was me who was deceived, whereas he had been chosen. I bit my lip and closed my hands in a fist. It was better not to look at him, or things would happen that I didn't want to be part of. I raised my head and went to a shelf to get some food. I had come for that, and I wasn't going without food. Kageyama didn't affect me...

"I..." Bad, he had already started talking. I didn't look at him. "Mnm..., I-I'm sorry..."

"Sorry?" I let go, too bitter even for my taste. "Sorry for what?"

"I-I thought... I don't know, I didn't know. He started telling me it and suddenly he... kissed me and I..."

"That sounds like an excuse, don't you think?" This time I turned to him. Actually, Kageyama was right. He didn't know, he had been just as deceived as me, but at that moment I didn't see it. I approached him. "Tell me, do you like Tsumu?"

He trembled a little and his cheeks flushed slightly. It would have seemed nice if my anger hadn't grown suddenly.

"You like the joker Atsumu. The one who teaches you things. The one who plays with you. The one that takes you on a motorcycle. The one who hugs and caresses you, just to bother you. The one that leans on your shoulder when watching a movie... You like him"

"Yes…"

"What about the alcoholic Atsumu? The one I found almost dead in a warehouse. The one who stole money from the place where I worked. The one they tried to drown, they hit him with a roller pin and left him bleeding on a kitchen floor..."

My body was also trembling, my voice had been decreasing in tone. Kageyama leaned back until he touched the wall.

"Don't you like that Atsumu?" Kageyama didn't answer. "You haven't been there, you haven't had to save him." You haven't seen how he got worse day after day. You have had the great luck of meeting him sober, of finding him safe... You don't know Atsumu, how can you like him...?

"H-he told me everything. Even things you don't know about..." I punched the wall near his face. My whole arm hurt, but I didn't care. Anger clouded the judgment.

"Do you think you know more than me!? Tell me how someone like you could help him! Do you think you could rescue him if he falls again? Do you think you could hold his inert body in your arms? Do you think you could bear what I had to live?"

Kageyama gasped. He was scared, and I didn't care at all.

"Let's see... dad and mom love you. They take care of you, they care about your well-being." I approached his ear, so he could hear me clearly. "Mom has never hit you, nor ignored you until she erase your existence. Dad has always been with you and hasn't abandoned you... Am I wrong?"

"No..."

"And how a child of a good family like you will understand what happened to us...?"

"I-I want to understand..."

"W-why are you better than me...?" All the anger lead to despair. "Why does Atsumu prefer you...? What have you done that I didn't do...? Why save him and take care of him is not enough...?"

I sobbed. I didn't want to cry in front of Kageyama, but my vision was already clouded by tears. I hit the wall again but it didn't help. For a moment, I brought my other hand to Kageyama, ready to hurt him. Luckily, I stopped and my hand stayed on his shoulder. I had no escape; no strength to stop me or pain that could make me wake up. I kept crying. Kageyama remained silent.

"What are you doing?" I heard Hinata's voice behind us. I was focused on crying, so I didn't quite understand what was happening. "Kageyama, you've made him cry..."

If he answered, I didn't listen. I began to cry even louder, noticing that Hinata surrounded me with his arms and leaned on my back. From there, I only remember my own crying. Nothing else.

When I could calm down a little, I found myself on the couch next to Hinata. He hugged me in silence, without looking at me. He had left me space, but he was still by my side. I surrounded him with one arm, somewhat shy. Thus, Hinata realized that I was already awakening and looked at me. For now, he didn't seem to reproach me for yelling at his friend. He looked worried about me. Genuinely that's why I stayed there with him. It wasn't fair that he was having such patience with me and I treated him badly.

"Are you better?" he wondered.

"A bit. I'm sorry for the little scene from before..."

"It wasn't a scene, it's what you feel..." Hinata separated a little from me and although I thanked him, seconds later it was as if I was missing something. "Besides, they say it's okay to let go of what you feel, right? And you're the type that shut up everything, so... I hope it was useful for you."

"I'm not sure about that. I'll tell you in a moment." And Kageyama...?

"He is in his room."

"No, I mean that if he is well... I wasn't very delicate with him."

"He will be OK. For now, I'm staying with you, if you don't mind."

"I don't..." I rested my head on the back of the sofa and looked at him from there. It was the first time in days that I stayed so long out of the room. Shyly, I took him by the hand trying to feel his strength. Hinata corresponded to me, blushing slightly. He looked cute.

Hinata had flattered my maturity because, in his words, people used to tell him that he was too childish. But his little eyes were cute, and his way of seeing the world was too. He didn't judge, and he was sincere. He was like an ordinary child, who sees the world from innocence but is the purest and most true way to do it.

"What... what should I do?" I asked, after a long time. If I could count on his support, I needed to hear his opinion.

"Um... I think you and Kageyama should talk. More than anything because you two like the same boy, and I suppose you both have things to talk about. Kageyama isn't mean, just a bit slow. He doesn't understand anything that happens, but I'm sure that he doesn't want to be a hindrance to anyone. And you, more or less, are the same.

"I know that Kageyama is not to blame, only... I don't know, I got carried away."

"Ah, that is what you will say to him. Let's go to another point, how about you continuing your life?"

"I have life...?"

"Am I seeing ghosts?"

"I hope not."

"Well then, you do have a life, don't you? Come back to work with us, and get out once in a while. You can keep staying here."

"In your bedroom...? I think I've abused enough..."

"And where would you go?"

"I don't know, I will think of something. I have money saved so..."

"Um... If you leave, would we meet again?" he asked, trembling. I looked into his eyes and felt his fear. "I don't know, it would be sad if we had to say goodbye..."

I sat up. The idea of running away seemed fine to me a lot, since I had done it before and it had worked in part. But seeing Hinata like that made me rethink. If I walked away from Tsumu or Hinata, what did I have left? Nothing, I would be alone.

"I won't leave..." Just seeing his smile was worth the decision. "But I don't want to depend on you, or that you keep using the sofa."

"Well, the bed is big, I can sleep with you" we kept quiet and he, realizing the double meaning, burst into red. "I-I didn't mean that!"

"Easy," I laughed a little when I saw his reaction. He was the only one who managed to do it. His cheeks were still red, and following an impulse of idiocy, I stroked them. "I haven't thanked you enough, that you're helping me so much..."

"You don't have to thank anything, fool. You are my friend, and friends help each other..."

"You are so good... The world doesn't deserve you."

"What are you saying?"

"The world is full of evil, of parasites, of people who take advantage and reduce you to shit. And yet, you are here without wanting to give anything in return."

"Don't be so dramatic, come on," he gave me a little push. "I'm not going to charge you for patting you on the shoulder." Is not about that"

"I find it hard to believe that someone is kind because he is so."

"You meeting people like that doesn't mean you deserve it... I think you deserve it more than me, you know? You are also good and have given things for nothing... So, wouldn't it be the same for you?"

Seen like that, maybe Hinata was right. After all, I had always had to lower my head and not complain about what they forced me to do. However, I wouldn't consider it kindness. I didn't complain or ask for anything in return because I had no other, not because I was kind.

"Osamu, I understand you're feeling desperate but... we're young, aren't we? I mean, we can still find someone... You know, be loved and all that. Surely you find someone super cool, you'll see"

"I don't know how you can be so positive."

"Well, it's not being positive... It's just knowing you're just as valid as someone else, and that's why they can love you. And you can love again."

I sighed. That boy will someday kill me. For now, I just leaned in and kissed him. No fear, no regrets, no insecurities, no shame. Hinata reciprocated shyly. There were no excesses, no craving. It was all calm, soft and very, very warm.


	29. Listen

It was strange. If we were at home, we shared some kiss or caress, but no more. Each time I felt him closer, he dared to touch me more but never exceeded. I don't think it was shyness, he respected my space. I accepted his pampering and also gave him some, but perhaps my stance against love had made Hinata continue to think that I don't want anything.

I had returned to work, slowly recovering my life. I had to do it sooner or later, or everything would be worse for me. Atsumu kept insisting on talking to me, but I didn't feel like it. Not yet, too early. Maybe one day I decided to listen to him, but it was still recent. In addition, the situation with Hinata was rare to pay attention to something else. I preferred to order my thoughts and see what we were doing and where that would lead us.

But one day I found him in the hall with Kageyama. The later looked awkward, but I decided to ignore them and pass by. Atsumu was faster and blocked my way, staying in front of the door.

"I want to talk to both of you."

"I don't want to hear anything."

"Come on, give me the chance!"

"Not now" I wanted to show him that I was willing to listen to him, but not now. But Atsumu did not give up.

"Please" He not only looked at me, but Kageyama as well. Neither of us wanted to talk to Tsumu, apparently. But my brother is just as persistent as me, for something we are twins.

"Good. Speak, but keep it fast. I'm hungry, and the extra shift leaves me tired" I saw how Kageyama nodded, agreeing with me.

Atsumu looked at each of us and sighed, getting ready.

"I know it wasn't the way to do it... That I should have talked to everyone before doing something. But it happened. For me, nothing has changed Samu..., I still love you as always. And Tobio, this has not been a game. I like you a lot"

"And that's it?" I released coldly. I will not lie, I liked a little to see him despair to explain himself.

"Samu... Do you really think that if I could choose who to love, I would have chosen my brother?"

"I fell in love with the teacher because he was the only one who paid attention to me," I assumed, although it made me shiver a little. The memory is painful, but it was necessary to repeat it to define my point.

"This is not attention, Samu! It has never been... I've been in love with you for a long time, and you don't know how many times I reproached myself because you were my brother. If someone were to find out about that, it would be another thing to despise me. You told me you thought we were together because we didn't have anyone else, and it's not about that ... Or maybe yes, but that doesn't mean I love you less. Y-You know I wasn't right, my only escape was the bottles of alcohol... and you"

He paused to catch air. He was controlling himself for not crying. He looked at Kageyama for a moment, among them there was some complicity. Something that I didn't know. I remembered that Kageyama had told me there were things about Atsumu that I didn't know...

"I've been about to kill myself countless times." He said, looking me straight in the eye. "I don't talk about alcohol, I wasn't aware that it also killed me, but many times I went to the roof and climbed on the wall... but there was always something that made me go back. It wasn't fear... it was you. The only person who would care if I wasn't here... Just remembering you was enough to turn back... Literally, you're the reason of my life.

I don't know why I was surprised to know that, if I myself had also fantasized about the idea of ending everything. Wondering if someone would really miss me if I left, if my life was enough to go on. But knowing that way, knowing that I was seconds away from losing my brother, was too shocking. I remembered him lying on the floor of the bar's warehouse, and I got a chill. He had been save from a miracle, because I passed by at the right time. Just imagine him lying on the street, with no one to help him, without a family member calling the police because he has disappeared...

"I-I haven't tried anymore. Therapy is going well for me, but there are times when it's just the idea, you know? It is still in my head... And suddenly, I find that the same thing happens with Tobio than with you. If I think about him, I forget. If I think of both of you, it makes me want to stay... to stay forever. I know that I have acted very impulsive and that you have every right to hate me for that, but I... I don't know what I would do without you two. You are everything to me, do you understand? I don't want to hurt you, I just want to have you by my side..."

I couldn't keep my eyes on him, I had to look away so I wouldn't cry too. Then something crossed my mind. Since he confessed, Atsumu told me that he loved me and it was me who rejected him a little. I didn't believe it at all. Seen like that, it was me who was only with him because I had no one else. It was me who had used him, and I didn't realize it until I started seeing it with other eyes.

"Tsumu..." I began to say, but I shut up myself. I didn't know what I could tell him. Atsumu approached me and took my hands. Our own tremor was encouraged by noticing the other's.

"I know it's a crazy idea, but I... I want to be with both of you. I want to do my best, whatever I have left... Samu, come back to me, please... I-I promise to do well, and take care of you..."

Again I didn't know what to say. Maybe I had overreacted to the matter, so much that I closed myself to everything. I closed myself to Atsumu, with whom I always felt a special connection because I had witnessed his pain, and he mine. I closed to everything, punishing myself without coming to mind. They had reduced me as a person, invisible and forgotten by everyone. But I also forgot that I had my brother with me, and that I would always have him. I forgot that Kageyama is also my friend. I forgot about Hinata, locking myself in a room.

"I need to digest everything," I confessed. It was true, because everything was surpassing me at times. I didn't have a quick answer, and I had to think about it. I had things to order, to review my life, to plan my future. It was too much for my disturbed mind.

"I-its fine," said Atsumu. "W-Whatever you want, but give me the answer..."

"I will do it..."

 

Normally, when I was under pressure, I succumbed to anxiety and ended up hurting myself so as not to go into attack. Now, but, I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. My head was blank, my mind didn't agree with anything and didn't seem to make the effort to do so. Hinata lay beside me or put his head on my abdomen, and was quiet while keeping me company. Sometimes I told him my concerns, sometimes we were silent.

"I think I'll let things take their course..." I murmured. "If I think more, I'll go crazy."

"I do it every day. My brain starts to melt if I think hard"

"I know"

"What are you implying?"

I laughed a little and began to stroke his hair. I had discovered that he liked it very much and it calmed me down. Hinata had almost an immediate calming effect.

"We have to..., to buy some things for dinner..." he murmured. He was falling asleep.

"What did you say?"

"Dinner..." and yes, he fell asleep. His ability to fall asleep so fast was enviable.

I looked at him a little. The mid-afternoon sun bathed him completely, making him shine even more. Hinata could become a pure ray of light. And someone like me, who is used to storm clouds, felt overwhelmed.

Hinata was cute, nice and cheerful. With him, I felt that everything bad was not worth it. I didn't think about what to do next, or who to care for. Just live the moment. With Tsumu, we always went back to the past. I always remembered him covered in blood and prevented me from leaving him for fear of something happening to him. Knowing that he had suicidal thoughts should not surprise me. I have had them, not as such as he but I had fantasized about disappearing from the world. Just for him, I was still there. I had seen the worst of Atsumu and I was seeing the best of Hinata. I couldn't choose yet, because I hadn't witnessed the opposite of either. I needed more.

I let him sleep, and headed to the kitchen. I would cook today. I wanted to make his favourite dish, but I didn't know what it was. What's more, what did I know about Hinata? Just his name and that he was from Miyagi, like Kageyama. Nothing else...

Well, I would ask later. Now, I had to improvise some dinner. I wanted to wait for him to wake up alone, I didn't dare to disturb his sweet dream. He seemed happy in it, so I let him be. But in the end I was starving and ate without him... I guess he won't take that into account. I cleaned up the house a little, because I was bored. Hinata was the joy of home, and being alone would surely made me overthink. I needed to be distracted.

I entered his study room. Office, as he liked to say to make it interesting. It was just a small room with a table and a couple of shelves. I never get in there, Hinata didn't let anyone pass during his "creative rap processes." But now he wasn't in any creative process...

On the table were all papers and pencils scattered on the surface, creating absolute chaos. Was disorder a requirement for an artist? The thought itself made me laugh. Imagining Hinata with a cap, fake gold necklaces and singing rap came out of my expectations. I saw sheets with written paragraphs and crossed out sentences and rewritten words. He was composing and, curiously, I read some above. In one of them, he talked about someone hurted. An angel forced to remain in Hell with no chance to leave. No wings, alone and lost. Next to it was a notebook. There were no names other than his own and a Natsu. Would it be his story? I wanted to read it but I wasn't on time.

Hinata had woken up and caught me fully. When he saw me with the notebook in his hands, he ran to me and snatched it away.

"What did you read...?" he said, blushing.

"You haven't given me time for anything. Are those songs?"

"Yeah..."

"Can I see them?"

"No"

"How do you want to be a singer if you don't want anyone to see your songs?"

"I-I'll manage." Don't read them... They are drafts, and badly done."

"Don't be ashamed, I'm not going to laugh."

"It's not that... I just don't want you to read anything else. They are ugly"

"I will judge it." I turned to the table to read the lyrics of the angel one, it was the most at hand.

"No, not that one!" Hinata practically threw himself on the table, to cover the papers.

"What's wrong?" Hinata looked at me, blushing more. "Is it that you wrote about me and that's why you don't want me to read it?"

I joked, but I hit the spot. His face changed drastically, mine too. His was ashamed, mine surprised. No one had dedicated a song to me, much less called me an angel.

"Why do you write about me...?"

"Don't get mad... I just thought that... I could tell your story..."

"Drama sells well, doesn't it?" Well, yes, I was annoyed. Not only he hadn't asked me, but he sought to profit from that. My life is not a product to buy.

"I swear it's not that. I would never do it to earn money. I'm not like that..."

"So...?"

"I-I thought ... I don't know, rap is supposed to be ideal for sending a message... And I wanted to send one... That not everyone has a perfect life... I'm planning an album and..."

"Oh, there's more?"

"It's not just you. I also want to write about Kageyama, and about me..."

"What are you going to tell? The hard life of finding a job in Tokyo?" I released sarcastically. Hinata looked at me seriously.

"You never know what someone has been through until they tell it... that's why the songs..."

"I don't want to tell my story, remembering it only makes it worse."

"What if there's someone out there who has suffered just like you? Someone who feels lonely and lost..., who can't fly and reads your story and identifies. And then they know they aren't alone.

"They should look for a self-help book, if they want to read so much..."

"Sometimes, we hold on to something that keeps us afloat, right? For years, I listened to rap songs because I identified myself, because..., because many singers helped me from afar. Didn't it happen to you?"

The question took me off guard. I listened to music, yes, but I didn't like it like that. I read little, did few leisure things to identify myself in something. But I did focus on only one thing. Only one thing made me move forward, the only thing that kept me afloat... The only thing I lived for was not a song, but a person. My brother.

"Maybe..." I admitted.

"I want..., if someone gets to listen to my songs they can find a safe corner like the one I had. I know I should have asked you, but... it's just an idea and the lyrics aren't finished at all... I know it's awful, so I didn't say anything..."

I didn't say anything. It had left me pensive. On one hand, I was uncomfortable that someone used my experiences just like that. On the other hand, I understood Hinata's motivation although I didn't know what had happened to him in order to have to find a desperate refuge.

"Why am I an angel...?" I asked at last. Hinata lowered his head and held the notebook against his chest.

"You look like it to me... You are good, and you have a lot of love to give but when you gave it, they hurt you... I am delighted to have met you, and I am sure I would be very grateful to have always had you by my side. I don't know, I thought of something that would describe you and... And I thought about that"

It was my turn to blush. An angel, me? I looked at him, trying to find his warm look, but it wasn't. He kept his head down, and trembled slightly. My heart quickened, I didn't even want to imagine a sunshine like him crying.

But I had something to ask.

"Hinata... you know everything about me, but I don't know about you."

"Well, I don't know everything... you just gave me a summary."

"Tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine in more detail..."

"Weren't you upset?"

"I am willing to reach an agreement."

Hinata looked me in the eye, he looked sad. I couldn't stand it, but I resisted. I should listen to him, as he had done with me.

"You're not the only one who felt abandoned by who are supposed to be your parents. It is not the case of my mother, she is good and took care of us a lot, I mean of my father. He left us when my sister and I were little. One night, I heard my mother crying worried, he had left without warning. When we found him, he said he didn't want to see us again. That he didn't love us... Mom tried to make him see us at least because he was our father and such... But he closed the door in our noses, literally. Every time we went to his house, he left us in the street all day or weekend, and we couldn't go with our mother by law. He didn't care... I stopped considering him a father when he made my mother cry, but Natsu... She wanted him, and was looking for a way to see him and establish a relationship, but he only ended up hurting her. And I can ignore my father as much as I want, but not to do that to my sister. She just wanted a father.

"Sometimes its better if they ignore you..." I replied. "He could not have been a good father ever. Sometimes I thought it was unfair that my mother didn't recognize me, but seeing what she did to Tsumu... It's better that way. Both for me, as for you and your sister"

"You see it...?" he sobbed. "We've already found a similarity... We can continue to do it..."

"Come here..." I opened my arms and he refuged in them. I hugged him and kept him curled up for a long time.

Hinata seemed calmer after a while. When we separated, I checked him. Hinata smiled at me.

How many things I missed, thinking that nobody could understand what I suffered. I didn't think that Hinata could feel lonely or sad. Not that anyone could understand me. They did... Tsumu and Hinata did it.

I kissed him without fear, no shyness or trembling. No tears. It was a kiss as God commands. Soon, Hinata put his arms around my neck so I had to lean a little. He stood on tiptoe so as not to break the kiss. For my part, I held him firmly. He let out a small moan and turned me on.

It was the first time I had let me being touched or touch someone since the professor abused me... And although I was a little insecure while remembered his anxious hands touching me everywhere, Hinata managed to calm me down. He separated to look me in the eye again.

"Don't force yourself, I understand..." But I didn't turn away. It was time to face my fears, to overcome my obstacles. I kissed him again and, this time, I let it happen. I managed to overcome myself. 

I was willing to feel loved again.


	30. Sharing

In the last days, my sleep was impeccably quiet. I didn't dream anything, but I didn't wake up at any time. I could rest better and my mind didn't play so many bad times. Hinata slept curled up beside me, we hugged and kissed for a while. There were no barriers between us and it was because I no longer put them on myself. Now I let them love me and trusted Hinata.

Hinata woke up just like the sun. When I did, I saw him writing something in his notebook. He told me that he was writing his story, and that he would let me read it when it was finished. I was somewhat impatient to do it and know him more, but I would leave his space.

"Do you have an unused notebook?"

"I think so... ah!" Hinata ran and came back with one. "We'll have to buy more, I'm running out of sheets. Are you going to write too?"

"I'm going to start telling my life, like you. And I'll show you when I'm done"

"Sure!" He smiled at me very happy, and I imitated him. Then he kissed me and I pampered his nose. He liked it, he always laughed when he did that.

"I'm hungry," I said, sitting up. "Is there breakfast?"

"Yes, in the fridge and in the cupboards."

"Very funny," I dishevelled him. I got out of bed and dressed. Hinata played a little with the pen, and looked at me nervously. "Are you running out of good views?"

Hinata blushed.

"I-it's not that! I... I was wondering something. What are we now? Can I call you boyfriend?"

I looked at him. It was the turn to answer the question now, not later. I had to face situations, not run from them...

"If you want"

"And your brother?"

Ah, another matter to discuss. I promised to give him an answer.

"I don't think I can ever forget him. I will always return to his side... but that doesn't mean that I can't love you.

"Yeah... I guess the same thing happens to him with Kagis. So... are we going to do like them? To be with two at the same time?" 

"It's an idea, if it doesn't bother you. But there are issues that I should deal with Atsumu only... Things that go beyond a relationship. Unresolved issues"

"Okay... I barely know him, so it'll be good to talk to him too. If we are going to share a boyfriend, it is better to understand each other"

"You accept it like that."

"As long as you love me, I'm happy." This time I kissed him.

"You will have to be patient. Atsumu is complicated"

"Oh, if I can deal with you I'll can with your brother."

"If that helps you..."

I told my brother that I wanted to talk to him and he came home with Kageyama. Atsumu looked at me nervously, impatient to know my answer.

"Sit down. Hinata wants to talk too"

"Good," Tsumu replied. We are on the floor, on a blanket. We did it whenever the four of us stayed and I was glad to know that this habit wasn't lost.

"Look, Tsumu, I want to be honest with you, okay? I want to stay with you, but there are things that stand between us and I don't mean to be brothers. There is much that I don't know about you, and surely the same thing happens to you with me. We cannot always live in the past, we must continue as painful as it may be. I want to move on with you, not get stuck. And I need you to do the same"

"So...?"

"Hinata and I have started a relationship. So I propose something: you can continue with Kageyama without problems, but we have to work on our own"

"Okay..."

"Besides, we have to let both Hinata and Kageyama be part of that" I looked at Kageyama, he looked surprised to be included in the conversation.

"If we are going to be couples, we must understand it too," Hinata added. "It's not worth that each one goes on his own, if it affects us all. I think I can't be with Osamu without understanding his partner, and Kageyama the same"

"What do you mean?"

"Does anyone know exactly everything about the other? No. Osamu and I have set out to tell ourselves everything we have lived. We'll write it down in a notebook and when we finish, we will show it to the other. We can do the same with you.

"I don't have to tell you anything," said Atsumu, growling.

"If we are going to start a polyamorous relationship, we must work together," I explained. "If not, it won't work. I'm willing to do it with Kageyama, do it with Hinata on your part"

"I'm not going to do such a thing," he said again, more annoyed than before. "What nonsense"

He looked at Kageyama, waiting for him to support him but he was doubting.

"I... I did it with Hinata a long time ago. I wrote what I thought and had lived and he did it equally. We understood each other better... At first, I also refused. I saw a waste of time and didn't want to talk about anything... I didn't want to remember. But I did it and I felt better... You told me that you felt better when you told me your story... It will be the same"

That caught Atsumu off guard. He thought Kageyama would support him, and I believed it too. He looked like the typical guy who doesn't talk about himself, who was very reserved and distrustful.

"Osamu-san," he said, looking at me. "I'll show you my notebook when you have yours ready..."

"I would greatly appreciate it..."

"Come on," Atsumu said nervously.

"Tsumu, since you go to group therapy, you're doing better, right? It is the same, but more importantly"

"They're anonymous, I don't have to say my name or tell it all. Only what I want"

"No one will judge you," said Hinata.

"That's what everyone says. Then, they start blaming you. To ignore you. To belittle you..."

"None of that was your fault, Tsumu," I said, pretty serious.

"What if it was? If it had only been our mother's business, it would be different. But she wasn't the only one... What if I am the problem?"

"When I started writing, I didn't have the idea that someone would read it," Hinata explained. "It was more like a personal diary. I wrote everything I felt, without fear of being judged. I could say what I thought and let off steam. Although later I saw that I was wrong, at the time I felt better. You can write for yourself, and then decide whether to show it or not"

"I won't do it. I already know perfectly what I felt and how things went"

"There are things we don't tell our therapists." I told. "Shame, more than anything. Write for yourself, and don't think that someone is going to read it. I've started it, and it may end well or not... But I'll try"

"There are many things I want to understand," Kageyama said. "I'll give you my notebook."

"You don't have to, Tobio. I don't force you to say it"

"No, you don't force me. I do it because I want to. You trusted me because I did it first with you. I... I understand how you feel when they don't want you anywhere... I want to understand more"

"We are not alone, Tsumu. I also thought it was silly, but I discovered that I share things with Hinata. And that made me move forward. Do it Tsumu..., and we can move on together"

Tsumu was nervous, and didn't look at anyone.

"I-I'll think about it. But I assure nothing"

After a few days, I didn't see him again. Kageyama did come home. He was a shy boy so it was hard for him to talk to me, but I saw that he wanted to try. I told him to write everything and not speak, if that suited him better. He thanked me.

I had just written a couple of paragraphs, and at the time I was doubting a lot. I had tried many times to sort my thoughts, my therapist advised me. I saw that I spoke in a very ironic tone, because I didn't think it would work. Now, my mentality had changed. I was more confident in continuing to do so and knowing Hinata and Kageyama. I decided to leave the paragraphs, because they defined who I had been. The thing was about that, right?

Atsumu was upset, but I had the intuition that he would do it in the end. Of course he was angry, I understood. That's why I wouldn't show him my notebook, yet, because reading his story so many times was painful. I would do it after he vent off and we could talk and understand each other completely. Opening such deep wounds of the heart leaves no one stable. It's me who has decided to do it now. I hope that leads to something, because I don't like to remember.

My name is Osamu Miya, and this is my story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued on the This is my story (part 2), with Hinata's pov. 
> 
> If you reached the last chapter, thank you for taking your time to read this. See you soon, I guess?


End file.
